Chapter Three
(This is the 3rd part of an incredible 4-part epic...and it has it all, from The Mollyholly herself; to a talking box of crackers; from Y2J and Christian and their newfound ally, simpering, snot-nosed wrestling mark Dave to Zack De La Rocha as The President of the World. From talking humanoid catfish;a WWE locker room caught in the hypnotic thrall of said humanoid catfish; the canonization of Skokie, Illinois;a particularly NASTY McDonalds menu item and an amazing cameo by Wilson Pickett as the Catfish Secretary of Defense, this portion of AMHCH...M!!! has it ALL!!!)
Also, thrill as never before to a reunion of The Wolfpac...like you have never seen them BEFORE!!!
(After taking a much-needed break from destabilizing the structural and moral integrity of the planet earth-and, not to mention the awesome damage done to our very galaxy following The Mollyhollys' eager embrace of the Darkside that IS the Catfish-The Mollyholly and her Catfish minions made their way to the new Capital of the World...Sheboygan, Wisconsin).
Bertrand(The Prime Cleric of the New Catfish Uprising): All stand, and acknowledge our rightful leader, our Dread Lord and Master...The MOLLYHOLLY!!!
Catfish and the enslaved WWE locker room: Ooooooo...Ahhhhhhh!!!
Bertrand: Please address us as your unworthy followers, my grace, and humble us with thine own dread will, milord.
The Mollyholly: It has been easy up until this point, taking over the world and replacing its human inhabitants with catfish sympathizers!!! It was easy taking cowards like Vince McMahon, and making HIS will my own! Look upon him, my faithful...and tremble!!!
Cutaway to Vince McMahon, standing in an empty ring, in an empty arena with only John Bradshaw Layfield, HHH and a talking box of crackers.
Crackers: Do it, Vince! Do it NOW!!! Entertain me, damnit!!!
HHH: This Sunday Vince, at SummerSlam, you will look INTO MY EYES and you will know, once and for all that YOU CAN'T HANG WITH ME!!! That I AM THE GAME!!! That I HAVE NO EQUAL!!! And that I am...THAT DAMN GOOD!!!
Crowd: (There is, of course, NO crowd, and therefore, no pop. HHH is confused).
HHH: ?!?
JBL: (Who is, of course, used to crowds that die a quick death anytime he is seen on T.V., is right at home) We got a LIVE crowd, tonight!!! Right here in...Skokie!!!
Vince: Bradshaw, SHUT UP!!! It's an EMPTY arena, you stupid bastard!!!
Crackers: I am NOT feeling very entertained here, Vincenzo. Not at all. VERY dissatisfied. Should I just up and tear the HEART from one of you, as a sign of my displeasure?
JBL: Will that get me over? Like my insulting minority groups did?
Vince: Look, crackers, you can have BOTH of their hearts. I can't believe I ever let these two jackasses dominate my locker room.
Crackers: Be silent Vince! JBL!!!JBL, get me a cappucino. HHH, I need you to put over Mark Jindrak-again-and this time, I need you to use that NEW gimmick I thought of the other day...
HHH: No! Not the 'Original One-Man Band' gimmick again!!! NOOOOO!!!
Cutback to The Mollyholly and her Catfish Nation...now, over 3 billion strong.
The Molly: You SEE? You see how EASY it is to dominate? But we aren't finished yet. Oh, no. As long as Y2J and Christian are still out there, a sliver of HOPE remains! They must be found! Secretary of Defense, what have you found? Have you discerned the renegades' whereabouts?
Catfish Secretary of Defense Wilson Pickett, playing a spirited rendition of his classic 'Mustang Sally' for his throngs of fans, snaps into incredible, inestimable action!!!
Pickett: We've narrowed the locus of the renegades to two possible places, Dread Madame!
The Molly: And those places ARE?
Pickett: Skokie, Illinois...
The Molly: Skokie? What in the blazes is in Skokie? What kind of NAME is Skokie, anyway?
Batista: A STUPID name, Ha Ha Ha!
Realizing the dire implications of Batista actually speaking, he is thorougly chastised and banished to Skokie, Ill., to put over Mark Jindrak and BOTH Basham brothers.
Pickett: Dread Lady, Vince McMahon and three leaders of the rebel insurgent forces are being kept there.
The Molly: Oh, okay. So even though it was the most OBVIOUS place to look, we haven't looked there yet! Let's roll!!!
Pickett: My fair lady, the second locale..!
The Molly: Where is it?
Pickett: Minneapolis, Minnesota.
The Molly: Yeah, RIGHT. Like anybody would be caught DEAD in Minneso...oh...ohhhh...
(The mere mention of the name of her home state from her own lips begins to chip away at the dark Evil that has possessed the soul of The Mollyholly, and she begins-at long last-to remember bits and pieces of her previous self)
The Molly: (Fighting back those memories) Let's GO!!!
(Even as we speak, in Skokie, Ill., Gail Kim has managed to break the Catfishs' psionic hold over her psyche, and begins to concoct a brave plan to defeat her captors)
Gail: I can't believe I managed to break the hold those...those...MONSTERS had over me. I've GOT to find a way to free more people, to fight them...
Gail is interrupted by The Big Show (TBS), who refuses to allow Ms. Kim to proceed any further with her intentions of thwarting the ill will of his Catfish masters...as they tend to keep him WELL fed.
TBS: You're wrong, Gail!!! You'll never stop the Catfish! I WON'T LET YOU!!! They keep me occupied with LOTS of beef and fresh dairy products...yummmm...it's all so goood...
TBS loses his concentration on Gail Kim as he reflects on a particularly good sandwich that he had a week ago.
TBS: Sooooooo...gooooood..!
Gail: Now's my chance..!
Realizing the decidedly human origin of TBS, no matter the incredible depths of his gastrointestinal capacity, Gail slips him a 3-day old McGrill sandwich, and this rash-but ultimately brave-act severs the Catfishs' tenuous hold over him as well!!!
TBS: ARRRRRGGGHHH!!! No, it's slimy and old! Not the McGrill, NOOOOOO!!!
Gail: Show, PLEASE! We're not out of the woods yet! We've got to get out of here! I think those gross catfish-monsters have taken over the world!
TBS: The catfish-monsters coudn't transform US the way they did everybody else. What made US different?
Gail: I don't know...but I intend to find out.
Half a world away, in the middle of the Barents Sea, the Catfish Heirarchy plots bloody treason against The Mollyholly.
Bertrand: The human woman is not one of us. We must eliminate her as soon as possible. This facade of her posing as our master...as OUR master...this I cannot abide! We must end this, now!!!
Keith and Killbender: Yeah!
Pickett: Let's consult our TRUE lord. S, The Underground!
Via tele-monitor, the unholy presence that is S The Underground slithers and hisses into view.
S: Yes? What do you want?
Bertrand: We must eliminate The Mollyholly, Dread Sire. My probes show that she has already begun to break our hold on her mind. We could not effect an outright physical transformation of her into the aesthetic catfish form seeing as how she is just far too pure and wholesome for our techniques to be effective. We must destroy her now, before she learns of our grand schemes and obfuscations..!
S: Then DO it, already. And don't interrupt me again. MTV is showing an all-day Rich Girls marathon. Boy, that Jaime Gleischer is hot. Now, go on! Piss off!!!
Snooping about the Catfish Personnel Archives, Gail and TBS unwittingly attract the attention of 3 prisoners the Catfish have yet to subvert...
(From the shadows):
Figure #1: (long pause) Hey...yo. Should we help them out?
Shadow #2: Hell yeah, we should help. That asian chick is pretty hot. Let's go!!!
Shadow #3: No, not yet. This thing is bigger than us, than ALL of us.When we take a stand, guys, its gotta be for real and its gotta be for keeps. Its gotta be a fight we can win, guys. Don't worry, I've got a plan!
(Wolfpac theme music hits...the crowd pops...and it is DEAFENING!!!)
Shadows #1,2 and 3: ?!? Where in the hell did THAT come from?
Sheboygan, Wisconsin...Capital of The World, and the base of operations for the Catfishs' puppet regime, headed by President of the World, Zack de la Rocha.
Zack: (Speaking to his butler) Are you white?
Butler: Sure.
Zack: How do you...feel...about that?
Butler: I guess I'm okay with it.
Zack: You like to do the Man's bidding, don't you? God, I hate you. White people ruined my life, and I hate you!
Butler: But...you SERVE The Mollyholly...right?
Zack: Yeah. So?
Butler: Well, SHE'S white. She's REALLY white, sir. Don't you remember that angle she had a couple of years back with Spike Dudley? You can't get much whiter than that.
Zack: That's beside the fact, pendejo!!! Mollys' got a whole lot of soul, and she's really, really fine! Don't you read what Arlando writes? Don't you read at all?
Butler: Sigh..!!!
At this moment, Y2J, Christian and Dave the Mark storm Zack's private sanctum sanctorum and throttle The President of The World, and give his butler an AMAZING 3-man con-chair-to!!!
Dave: Thanks for showing me that move, guys.
Y2J: Would you PLEASE SHUT...THE HELL...UP?!? We got what we came for, we got our hostage, now we gotta book, before we end up dead!
Christian: We can get out this way, C-Man!!!
Zack: Goddamn, you...you...you...white devils!!! Jericho, you know Rage is a better band than Fozzy, even if Rage broke up because I'm a self-absorbed prick who only writes lyrics based on race!!! Admit it, Jericho!!! ADMIT IT!!!
Y2J: I don't have to admit anything, you sanctimonious son of a bitch! You may be male...barely...but you are still nothing more than a filthy, dirty,disgusting,skanky,brutal bottom-feeding trashbag ho!!!
Y2J gets the Pop of The Night from that mysteriously displaced crowd, and-after using his incredible powers of oration to humble, silence and emotionally cripple Zack de la Rocha-Vitamin C and Dave the Mark slip away with their hostage!
Meanwhile, struggling to remember exactly who she is, The Mollyholly recalls something she read a long time ago, from someone named Arlando, where he said that 'Molly Holly kicks ass' .Remembering this, The Mollyholly at long last begins to fight the Catfishs' influence. But she is only human, and the Catfish are...well, NOT. She begins to lose her battle, but then...enters the one they call John Bradshaw Layfield.
JBL: I know we serve you and all that, but lordy, are you a fatass!!!
The Molly: What?
JBL: You heard me! You have a big, fat ass!!! You need to go get a Buns of Steel video!!!
The Molly: I can't believe you would say those things to me! I'm always so nice to you, and you always talk to me like that? Why do you do that?
JBL: Because, your ass is so big!!!
The Molly: Stop it!!!
JBL: That sounds like something the OLD Molly would say!
The Mollyholly reflects on this and realizes that the oafish Texan is right. Something HAS been controlling her. However, she also realizes that her previous self would have no power over idiots like JBL. Her CURRENT incarnation, however, does.
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