Chapter Two
This epic sequel features catfish-men; a re-vamped, rejuvenated and re-energized Pearl Jam; Zach de la Rocha of previous 'Rage Against the Machine' fame; a talking box of crackers; the entire WWE locker room; MOLLY!!! and...a guy named Dave.
(When last we left our heroes, they were in the death-grip of a band of marauding humanoid catfish that call themselves...well, humanoid catfish, and they stood surrounded, powerless to quell the advance of this seemingly master race).
Vince: Oh, DAMN YOU to HELL!!! You've invaded my dreams, my home, and you're making me PUSH MOLLY!!! Now you've gone and taken over the minds and bodies of Lance Storm, Mark Henry AND Lilian Garcia?!? Is there NO END to any of this???
When does it END??? WHEN?!?
Lance: It'll never end, Vince. These great men, these catfish-guys, they showed me what you were always too afraid to show me Vince. They taught me all about charisma, and how to cut a great promo!!! Using these new skills, I have managed to bring the entire WWE locker room under the catfish' hypnotic thrall!!!
Mark Henry: Yeah, all of them, except that lowdown Y2J and Christian, and these guys right here...
(Mark Henry gestures toward Evolution, The Rock, Foley, Gail, Cade, Lita, V-One and Jazz)
Mark: Lilian, TAKE THEM!!!
Lilian Garcia sprays the now-terrified WWE Raw superstars with a colorless, odorless fluid called ZAAT that immediately and totally alters their physiognomic configuration-turning them into simpering catfish sympathizers!!!
WWE Locker Room: No one can stop us(there it is. I PROMISED the WWE Locker Room was going to make their collective voice heard).
Lance: That's right, Vince. You see how the sins of the past come home at long last?
Vince: No, I don't. I don't know what that means.
Lance: (looking at the two catfish guys, we'll call them Killbender and Keith) Ummmm...you said he would know what I meant by that..!
Keith: So what? We'll tell you ANYTHING. We told you YOU were over with those WWE crowds, right?
Vince: It's not over yet, fiendish ones!!! I'll fight! I'll get you!!!
Killbender: I say thee, nay, Vince. A new player will be heard from now!!!
With that, Mark Jindrak materializes...out of NOWHERE, with the band Pearl Jam behind him.
Vince: Uhhhh, Mark? What are YOU doing here? And why is Pearl Jam with you? You do know that they suck now, right?
Eddie Vedder: Shut the hell up Vince! I resent that!!!
Jindrak: Yeah, Vince, shut up. I finally get to talk. Molly is going to take over the WWE with these quasi-humanoid catfish, and I decided to get with the winners. NOTHING spells W-I-N-N-E-R quite like a victorious catfish, Vince!!! Besides, they promised ME a push,too!!!
Vince: You? A push???
Jindrak: Damn straight. You're lookin' at 'Six-Pack' Jindrak now, Vinnie-Boy!!! I'm gonna sport a Rick Rude ravishing gimmick, Pearl Jam's gonna hook me up with the sweet into theme, and Triple H is gonna put me over!!! I've got two tasks, though, that I've got to complete first, and one of them is bringing in Chris and Christian before our royal master-ess, Molly!!!
(All the catfish and catfish converts, at the mention of Mollys' name) Ooooooo..!
Ahhhhhhhh!!!
Jindrak: And the second task, why, I get to do it right now! Can you guess what I've got to do, Vincenzo?
Vince: Ummmmm...you've got to take me prisoner, now?
Jindrak: Not quite! I've just got to corral you for My ruler and yours as well, Vince!!!
Heeeerrrreessssssssss MOLLY!!!
(The erstwhile and bedeviling visage that is the Molly Holly melts out of the very shadows and strides toward Vince McMahon, her feline grace and all-consuming, all-knowing eyes conveying in some small measure the power that she brings to bear, her power of...consorting with fish-people that can do fish-things...in the water, and looking REALLY good while wearing a cape and a cowl).
Molly: Hiya, Vince!!!
Vince: Molly, why? WHY??? WHY?!?
Molly, removes her cowl, displaying her bald scalp and laughs.
Molly: Because I'm BALD, Vince! Because I want a real Women's Division!!! Because I want AIRTIME and I'm sick of all of your 15-minute promos!!! I want you to stop hiring all these women WHO CAN'T WORK!!! All that aaaannnndddd...I felt like it.
Vince looks away, ashamed.
Molly: Look at Me!!! Look at me. I want a push. I like to make people laugh, that doesn't mean that I particularly like getting laughed at! I want to be a star. These people love me, Vince, and they should. I'm a great, great lady. Can you see the change in me, Vince? Huh? Can you see it? I can feel it, I can feel the madness of the catfish INFECTING ME!WHOOOOOO!!!
Molly pauses for a while to reflect on what she just said about catfish infecting her, and the negative connotations most people would associate with that.
Vince: But Molly, I molded you, shaped you..! Damnit, Molly I made you a WWE Superstar!!!
Molly: Oh, Vince, shut up. You will now pay for your crimes. You will pay, and know such pain..! Keith!!! Killbender!!! Lilian!!! Bring me... the BRAND NULLIFIER!!!
Vince: The...the...Buhh...buh...buh...Brand-Nullifier?
Molly speaks as the dread device is delivered unto her unholy-yet cute as all-get-out-hands: Indeed, Vince. The BRAND-NULLIFIER. With a flick of THIS switch (flicks switch) Raw AND SmackDown! are just stupid, irrelevant brands with no character development, simple-minded, inane gimmicks AND angles that center only around the VERY top guys, and a backstage environment overrun by those same VERY top guys, power-hungry wrestlers AND rampant displays of nepotism ALONG WITH Ever-Dwindling Ratings!!!
Vince: Oh, so kinda like how the shows are now..?
Molly: Not quite, Vince!!! Instead of putting on a show for the fans, actual human WRESTLING FANS, your brands NOW will entertain for a simple, single, generic box of talking crackers!!! Enjoy, Vince!!! Take him, my minions!!!
Box of Talking Crackers: And you better ENTERTAIN us Vince, or we may simply SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!
Vince: as he is being taken by Mark Henry, Gail, and Cade Nooooooooo! Please..!
Amongst the shadows lurk Y2J and Christian, overhearing the dread details and steeling their hearts for bloody battle and marshalling courage to take on their grim work talk amongst themselves.
Christian: We gotta do something, C-Man!!!
Chris: Why? Molly has a point. Let Vince get taken downtown to Chinatown, baby! And besides, Molly is One Hot Babe!!! That one guy, Arlando, he thinks so, and he's right. Molly rules!!!
Christian: But, c'mon Chris, you KNOW I'm partial to Trish, and I'm in a storyline with her, and it's really cool and I get to GET OooooooVeRRRRRR for once, C-Man!!! C'mon, man and help a brother out!!!
Chris: Well, your logic is...ummm, IRREFUTABLE...I guess.
From behind them, statling them both, is nervous, zit-faced loser wrestling mark, Dave!!!
WHO is Dave? Who can say. WHERE did he come from? Who knows.
Dave: Yeah, man, you gotta come with me, before it's too late!!!
Chris and Christian: ?!?
And of course, to further the story, they follow the strange loser Dave to some unknown locale.
Half a world away, in Branson, Missouri, Molly uses her incredible powers to re-write zoning laws, officiate softball games and tear apart entire galaxies!!! Her laughter fills the heavens, and her catfish minions feast on the innocent and ruin lives, and Molly has made Zach de la Rocha the president of the world!!! What does this mean? It doesn't mean anything GOOD to all of you white people out there!
(Sample line from de la Rocha's State of the World Address):
White people ruined my life, I hate them and you can tell that that's true, because it's all I wrote about the WHOLE time I was fronting Rage Against the Machine!!!
A whole world trembles in fear and shudders in defeat.
Who can stop THIS carnage? Who? WHO???
• Chapter Three •
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