Exclusives | Columns | Arlando | Issue #16


What do Barbra Streisand and Molly have in common? Prominent shnozzes and boy...does Molly makes the short hair look look GREAT-as did Babs earlier in her career. What don't they have in common? Babs has a nutty, extreme-leftist political views that make her look like the aged, crackpot celebrity nutcase that she is, while Molly apparently has no political view. Babs is also old enough to tell us just what it was that killed off nearly 95 % of all life on the planet Earth during the horrific Permian extinction-as her bone-dry,ancient ass was there. She's just not telling us because...because...well, because that's how spiteful she is!- while Molly is not even in the prime of her life just yet. Molly rules!

Also, Babs has never made a good movie. Molly has never even been in a movie, but if she ever were, I bet it'd be cooler than any of Streisand's flicks. Yentl? Yentl sucks.

By the bye, Winger has never made a song that I like.

As the title for this section indicated, this was,in fact and in deed...pointless.

(The theme music for Mollyopoly # 17 is 'Dissident' from Pearl Jams' Vs. record that came out, oh...about a decade ago. You know...back when Pearl Jam was actually good.)

Oh...the 'event' that (supposedly) is SummerSlam aired today on PPV in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (home of the Toronto Raptors...who wear cool looking uniforms, and don't do much else other than that. Now, let me repeat that:Toronto Raptors. Toronto Raptors. TORONTO Raptors. Now, I'm pretty sure that when the team was named, the common usage of the word 'raptor'-a bird of prey-was NOT the intended usage of the word. No, I'm sure they jumped on the Jurassic Park bandwagon, and meant Velociraptor mongoliensis-which, by the way, was actually Deinonychus antirrhopus in the movie...it was just...ummm... 'misnamed'. Now, unless I am wrong, the only Canadian members of the dinosaurian version of the 'raptor' family-the Dromaeosauridae- is Dromaeosaurus albertensis and Saurornitholestes langstoni...not V.mongoliensis, who-and you might have guessed this by its species' binomen-was from Mongolia. As in the Gobi Desert Mongolia. So there...a whole team is-much like the Utah Jazz and Los Angeles Lakers-horribly and ignorantly named...and its MY job to set the Toronto Raptors straight), but wouldn't you know it, I was re-watching Kill Bill Vol.2 and happily reflecting on the money I saved by not purchasing Vinces latest Pay-per-view effort. Sorry.

By the way, Kill Bill Vol.2-much like Kill Bill Vol. 1-RULES and lords it over every other movie that has recently come out NOT called The Manchurian Candidate or Hero. And go see Hero when it comes out. Trust me.

Anyway, since I am not doing another Raw -no scratch that. Not Raw. RIW. Riw. Until they get it right and start putting out a consistent, top-to-bottom good show again, I will refer to Raw as Riw. Pronounced R-IH-I wasn't going to do a Riw report until Ish # 21 anyway, and that would also INFER that I am not going to do any PPV reports either. Which would be cheating, because I don't watch them to begin with. But, I know enough about SSlam to know that Team Diva lost to Team Prospective Diva. Sorry. The ill-fortune of Molly and her team at SSlam do not concern me,however. I take a sizable amount of solace in the photo Evilone posted in the Nora-World.Org forum...Molly in her Team Diva Dodgeball Challenge getup...sans wig. Any other woman would look dumpy and unattractive in Mollys' getup, but Molly is one-of-a-kind, and can make any look look good.

I came to these conclusions(after regaining my center.):

1) Molly was READY.
2) Molly ROCKS.
3) Molly lords it over EVERYONE.
4) Molly could fight a one-woman war on Ugly and come out the only survivor.
5) Molly looks better with the short hair...because I said so.
6) Molly is not a pantywaist.
7) Molly would love the bands Tool and A Perfect Circle...if only she gave them a chance.
8) Molly suits smarm, and smarm suits Molly.
9) Molly is a wonderful woman and a wonderful human being, because I've never seen photographic evidence of her wearing one of those goddamn fanny-packs.
10) Molly will (hopefully) never do like JBL, HHH, Ric Flair and Matt Hardy have done recently and point their accusing fingers at the IWC as the source of all of wrestlings ills.

Anyway...I hope Molly had fun doing the Dodgeball thing, and I hope someone of importance amongst the WWE Powers-That-Be sees Mollys' SummerSlam footage and develops a crush on her as intense as mine. I then hope this is reciprocated and it becomes something more. I hope he charms her out of her boots and she dumps Rene Dupree, Shelton Benjamin, Charles Robinson or WHOEVER the hell it is she is currently dating. I hope they get married and Molly is then on the RIGHT end of some seriously ONE-SIDED BOOKING...you know what I'm taking 'bout. The kind of booking that the McMahon Kids always get? I also hope after all of this that Molly stumbles across this site, goes to 'columns' , reads Mollyopoly 4 through 17 (because 1,2 and 3 SUCKED.), realizes the intensity and sincerity of my feelings for her-because no Molly column is as long as mine, as verbose as mine,or as eager to please as mine- and leaves that well-paid WWE writer to be with me, and we could then eat Steak-Ums and live the happy lives that only laundromat-attendant COUPLES could possibly hope to live!!!

In other words, I hope somebody in the WWE that is an a position of authority wakes up one day, sees Molly, and thinks...


Mollyopoly is gonna be split up 4 ways this issue. Let's begin...

1)THE COLOR OF $$$$$.

Molly. Molly. Molly.

Boy, that was short, wasn't it?

Seriously, why does this problem-the 'Molly-Is-Never-On-T.V.' problem-even exist? Molly should always be on T.V. Everybody knows that Molly lords it over everybody...just accept the truth.


That would be the Matt/Lita/Kane Pregnancy Angle (these angles are for the birds, ain't they?) and the resultant SummerSlam 'Till Death Do Us Part' match. Excuse me, while I go cough up my spleen.

Okay...let me think POSITIVELY here and try to find the good in the angle. Hmmmmmm.
Other than Lita's beasts-I mean, breasts-I can't think of anything at all positive to say about this angle. I know this upsets Matt, because he apparently can't stand criticism from Internet writers and fans. Apparently for Matt, EVERYTHING in the WWE is GREAT, and if you can't see it, he's gonna write a column about it. Well, everything in the WWE is great...Matt just misspelled the word.

The word, Matt, is G-R-A-T-E. Grate. As in annoying, numbing, deadening GRATING... grating...upon my...senses. This angle ...hurts. As in 'lots.'

Everyone-especially me-would find a reason to complain about something pertaining to this storyline, but it seems to me that everyone is complaining about the same things...and this upsets Matt, because he says-correctly-that instead of just criticizing, one should also be clear in what he is criticizing and why. Fine. I can do that. And I can also do backflips. But, what the hey,why not? Let's just see here...


1). Because nobody likes these angles.
2). We can see what's coming from a country mile away. If the WWE was doing a new spin on this, I wouldn't have a problem. But they aren't, so I do.
3). The angle-much like their real-life relationship-overshadows Matt Hardy. This angle isn't about Matt Hardy...it's about Kane and Lita.
4). There are 3 characters, 2 main and 1 peripheral. The peripheral character, Matt Hardy, is doing fine in the angle, considering what he's been given to do. Kane looks like he's having the time of his life. Lita..? Well, Lita can't act to save her life, and when one of the two main characters can't get it going, that drags the whole thing down.
5). Miscarriage. Abortion. Lita lied about the pregnancy and is turning heel.(?) Actually going through with this for 9 months and 'producing' a child. Whatever you guys do, it'll suck. The 1st two options are copouts. The 3rd one...you know, the one that you're actually going to do..? is transparent and horribly acted by Lita. The last one would give me the mange. Of the tongue.
6). Rape-implied or not-is somewhat short of funny.
7). The WWE prides itself on realism (?!?). Forgetting all about the other silly aspects of this angle-and the silly aspects are legion-I'll concentrate on this:Guy dumps girl. On live T.V. Guy takes girl back after it becomes obvious that he's not going to get anyone else. Girl takes guy who dumps her on live T.V. BACK (?!?). Guy stays with girl even after it is revealed that she performed the role of DNA repository for someone who LOOKS the way that Kane looks. Guy stays with girl even after it is revealed she is carrying the child of someone/thing that LOOKS the way that Kane LOOKS. Also revealed during storyline: Girl was going to accept the umpteenth marriage proposal from guy even after allowing The Pestilence That Walks Like A Man to break through to her sugar walls,lay that pipe down...and hit her sweet spot like the Beelzebub Stud that Kane is..

I think this angle becomes much more absurdly clear...when stated like this. I also want to say that besides the fact that this angle has portrayed Kane as a rapist, Matt as a sniveling bitch and Lita as a monkeywrench ho, besides ALL of this is THIS point: ain't no man with a brain in his head and a spine in his back going to risk life and limb for the woman Lita has been portrayed as being in this storyline...ESPECIALLY IF THE KID AIN'T HIS!!! I think that this pretty much sums it all up.

8). Angles like this usually force the unwilling viewer to lower his IQ to something at just about the paramecium level to even begin to want to follow the nonsensical bells & whistles that accompany pregnancy angles. I would rather watch Kane and Chyna eat a wet McRib Sandwich than have to lower my IQ just to make whatever it is that I am watching tolerable.
9). No one likes this angle.
10). No one will ever like this angle.


1). Lita looks good...in a trashy kind of way.
2). That's it.

In all seriousness, Kane looks like he's having a blast doing this. Kane seems to have survived the Katie Vick imbroglio, and the WWE keeps putting him in high-profile matches and angles. So what if all he does on PPV is lose? He is always in the mix, and that is what counts. This also represents a chance for Lita to improve on some of her more mediocre skills-like her work on the microphone and her acting, for starters-and this angle could be the ideal place for that. This angle is going to demand some really over-the-top stuff, and Lita has to be able to deliver moreso than she has thus far. Kane and Matt have more than lived up to expectations so far.

There. I didn't take a total dump on the Matt/Kane/Lita Tri-Angle, now did I?


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