(*The theme song for Mollyopoly # 16 is the whole album 'Rid of Me' from P.J. Harvey. If you don't like this, well...I don't know what to say. Wait a minute-sure I do! You can go eat a bowl of toenails, dipped in batter and then deep-fried, if you don't like 'Rid of Me'!!!)
Ever been so mad that your soul hurts? I have. As a matter of fact, I was mad as hell because my satellite feed went out (again!!!) and I was so sure that I missed Molly just like I missed her on SNH (7/18/2004)...but then I remembered the company that she works for, and realized that she probably wouldn't even be on the show. And she wasn't! So I didn't miss anything, except for Raw without Molly on the card...which-again-means that I didn't miss anything.
But then I looked a little deeper. I went back through my Raw tapes from that date until 8/9/2K4 (I record the shows and fast-forward 'till I find the Molly segments. If there are none, the show gets recorded over without being watched...see my commitment to Vince's product?), and what did I see? Let's look into my crystal ball!!!
(sung to the tune of Sheena Easton's 80's 'hit' 'Sugar Walls'...'MY CRYSTAL BALL'
7/19/2K4 Raw from the MCI Center, Washington, DC...nada.
7/26/2K4 Raw from the Mellon Arena, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania...more nada.
8/2/2K4 Raw from the SBC Center in San Antonio, Texas...nada, nada...not unlike the Spurs chances of growing a backbone and actually stepping UP in a playoff series.
8/9/2K4 Raw from (ewwwwwww!!!) the Gund Arena, Cleveland,Ohio. Eureka!!! I have found it!!! Molly teams up with Jazz 'n' Gail Kim to put over 'Toria, Nidia and Stacy Keibler. So Molly and Co. lost. Big and Deal...at least she got to be on T.V. again. And oboyoboyoboy...DOES she. Turns out that the Trish half of trishandtomko , the erstwhile Trish Stratus, got together with both teams and whispered something to each team that seemed to make both units happy. Could it be..? Could they be uniting to dispense with the RAW DIVA SEARCH? We should find out soon...but if Raws' past is any indicator, we won't see Molly on T.V. again until sometime in late September. Sorry.
THE WWE SHOULD'VE WENT WITH WHACK-A-MOLE
Speaking of sorry, so was this...apparently, the Divas and Prospective Divas are going to have a SummerSlam Diva Dodgeball Challenge!!! Now, even though a substantial part of me wants to believe this might be fun and Molly might have some fun doing this, another part of me, the part that does all my thinking and is therefore the part that puts the negative in o-negative thinks that for all Molly has 'sacrificed' for the company (her heat and her hair), all the time she has spent training, and every bit of respect she had to carve out for herself as a principalled women in a decidely male-oriented and male-run industry that a 'Diva Dodgeball Challenge' is, at the very least, a step or six in the wrong direction. Let me put it ANOTHER way...'Hey, Molly, we need you to get shaved bald at WrestleMania-it will be a GREAT WrestleMania moment-so you can lose to 'Toria every time you work with her afterwards even as we under-push HER, and then we we'll take you off of WWE programming indefinitely-for no reason-and here is the hook, Molly-at SummerSlam, we can put you in a 7 on 7 Dodgeball Challenge!!! MONEY!!!'
Yep...I LOVE to sit back and wait for the WWE product to improve. It's FUN.
Need I say more?
By the way, a word about The Prospective Divas For Whom Raw Is Searching: Carmella, from Ohio? That would be Carmella DeCesare, Playboy Playmate of The Year. Carmella DeCesare is going to win this thing...the most cogent factor in this claim being that this is the truth...and she is going to do it despite the fact that none of the other Prospective Divas or anybody among the WWE talent likes her. Reports indicate that she is a stuck-up little princess who is a princess because we know what she looks like naked and is disinterested in the competition and disinterested in the WWE talent. She has a lot to be stuck-up about, I guess...after all, she IS famous. She is an, ummmm...celebrity. I mean, NOBODY else takes it off and spreads her legs quite like she does. Yep. She's one of a kind...I guess. Hmmmmm. The WWE loves Playboy, and the WWE loves Divas who will take it all off and do the Playboy thing...it even made a star out of that cybernetic-organism Chyna. But none of this interests me,since Carmella DeCesare can't wrestle and she can't act(no woman who has been PMOY can be accused of having acting talent)...what does interest me is that I find it much more entertaining to sit back and watch a movie with any combination of the 50-60 year-oldish European actresses Juliette Binoche, Helen Mirren and Isabelle Huppert. The fans seem to share my view that the Raw Diva Search sucks, the WWE KNOWS the Raw Diva Search sucks(its not doing anything for the ratings, it CAN'T be-the arena crowds seem to be almost totally against it, which would make it a safe bet to assume that the TV audience is sick of it as well)...but yet, it goes on. And on. And on again. Outside of anything involving Evolution, the Raw Diva Search EATS UP MORE TIME ON RAW THAN ANYTHING ELSE. Egads. Seriously, if I wanted this garbage, this raw and unfiltered garbage, while I struggle through Raw, then I could get the same thing by turning to Showtime to watch *Showgirls or Bound or any older Kari Wuhrer movie, like Sensation, Boulevard, Luscious or Kate's Addiction. Correction...I WOULDN'T be getting the same thing. I'd be getting T&A done BETTER. The only fun in this garbage is waiting to see how desperately the WWE whores themselves-and possibly Stephanie McMahon?-out to Playboy this time when Carmella wins this thing. And, boy...can the WWE WHORE.
Thank god that your average Playboy model has a shelf life of only about a year...two at the most. Life would be unlivable if any of them had Barbra Streisand-like staying power.
That goes for Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, too. Christina Aguilera is so much more talented than either one of these two. She also looks better. No more Playboy PMOYs on Raw, and no more Britney and no more Jessica Simpson!!!
(*Well, maybe not in Showgirls case. Watching that movie is like watching Speed 2:Cruise Control and Alien Resurrection back to back while nibbling on some blood pudding-a real dish, by the way-and anteaters' tongues...dipped in breading and marinated in a delicious ant-spit/sheeps' urine sauce. Speaking of bad movies: Alien vs. Predator. DON'T GO.)
But what makes this edition of Mollyopoly special is that I have finally gone and done it...We got us a special guest columnist this week...and it is none other than MOLLY HERSELF!!! These are the written transcripts of some of our more intimate and heartfelt moments...I learned firsthand that Molly doesn't like Whack-A-Mole or Mystery Science Theater 3000, she is a stickler for Italian cuisine, she doesn't LIKE ANY OF MY MUSIC, she thinks I am WAY too negative for my own good...and,well, let's just face it:we got along about as well as Bush and Bin Laden. But one thing we DID agree on:Mollyopoly is the LONGEST and MOST VERBOSE Molly column that can possibly exist! And she loves me for it...or at least that's what I keep telling myself!!! But she can always look on the bright side...she now understands the lure of the Steak-Um and while she may not have known a damn thing about tetanuran systematics coming into this thing, she now knows just enough about this incredible subject to tell you why Epanterias and Antrodemus are not valid genus names and just why Shuuvuia deserti, Mononykus olecranus and Parvicursor remotus rock!!!
THE MOST TABOO AND INTIMATE DETAILS OF THE MOLLY GUEST COLUMNIST GO-ROUND
The Inimitable H. (that's me): Oh, Molly...your feet. Can I ...massage them?
Molly (that's her): No.
H.: Can we hold hands?
H.: (much later, after I wore her down): Will you...love me?
Molly: Go away.
Can you feel the desire...the connection...the PASSION? I know I did!!!
WHY MOLLY NOW BELIEVES IN THE HEALING POWER OF THE STEAK-UM
H.: Molly, why all this, this...italiano cuisine?
Molly: Its' delicious, that's why! I love it! Don't you?
H.: I'll sing 'One Night in Bangkok' again if you don't have another Steak-Um..!
Molly: Look, I am a highly-trained and highly-respected athlete! I have achieved a level of physical fitness most human beings would kill for!!! I can't-I won't-throw it all away for those gray, greasy Steak-Um things you love to shove into your craw...and I don't care what you sing! Steak-Ums...I will not have them in my home, I will not have them on my plate, I will not taste of the Steak-Um! I will not eat them here or there...I will not eat them anywhere!
H.: '...One night in Bangkok makes a HARD man HUMBLE..!'
Molly: (wincing) Okay...FINE. I'll have another Steak-Um sandwich. But you so OWE me...you sorry sack of..!
Great stuff, huh? But the highlight of the night came when Molly put me in my place and built the Perfect Molly...Mollystyle!!! She sho' nuff showed me The Bronx!!! Lisssssssten...
MOLLY BUILDS THE PERFECT MOLLY
Molly: Okay, H., you are WAY too much of a party-pooper! You've got me running around pouting, lusting over (eeeWWWWWWWwww!!!) Eric Bischoff and kicking pregnant women in their stomachs!!! What's next...am I going to run over Lil' Timmy and his brand-new bike in my brand spankin' new custom-built 1950 Mercury? Am I going to show Old Man Devers the many joys of eating an arsenic sandwich? Am I going to record over all of Batista's Golden Girls episodes? Huh? What's next? Let's have some FUN for once, here! I'VE got an idea. I've been shopping it around the office, but...ummmm, they're uh....uh...BUSY! Yeah, that's it! They're busy writing stuff for...somebody..! But anyway, here's MY idea on what kind of character I should portray!!! But here are some guidelines:
I want to be a face.
I want to have fun, win or lose.
I want a storyline that will get over a lot of people at once, not just me.
I want to be involved in a storyline that will make people look at the WWE female workers as highly-trained, respectable athletes...I just don't want this storyline to be oppresively serious.
And last...but most certainly not least...NO T&A!!!
H.: But Molly(in my best whiny voice)...if you look at this column OBJECTIVELY, if you go back and read what I've written, I've written angles for you as a heel AND as a face...and some of them have been comedy angles to boot!!! And I've never come up with anything remotely resembling a T&A spot involving you!!! So, to be fair, you have to say that it's not all sturm und drang here in Mollyopoly!!! In fact, the only time I get really negative is when I look at how your career has stalled since WMXX...and that-to me at least-is much more about my excitement from watching you in action and my subsequent newfound loyalty to your career than any generic idea of negativity! In the end, I just want to see you do well. And I have a bit of a schoolboy crush on you, too. There. I admit it.
(WHAT MOLLY WOULD'VE SAID TO THIS IN MY FANTASY SHOOT INTERVIEW)
Wow, that was really sweet...H., you're a great guy, and I love you! Let's date for a week and get married!
In all seriousness, however, I would encourage you Molly, in the future-if you are not doing so already-to give nora-world.org a look the next time you are online. It's a great little site and it looks cool. There are some cool columns written on your behalf by two guys named Chris and Nick.
Molly: Really? Nora-World.Org, huh?
H.: That's right. There's also some really cool fictional stories people have written on your behalf...people like Stephanie, Simon,The tandem of Brandy and Rachel, and just Brandy. Lots of cool stuff...there is even a forum, with guys like Evilone and James-who you've met before!!!
Molly: Wow, I'll have to check it out! I know I already have my own official site, but this one sounds cool too!!!