Exclusives | Columns | Arlando | Issue #15
SCORE. AGAIN.

There, see? Shameless plugs...AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY SITE!!! All I do is write a column with a fan base of one (or fewer) and depress people on the tagboard and in the forum!!! Again...

SCORE.

BACK TO MOLLY BUILDING THE PERFECT MOLLY

As told by Molly:

'What would I wish for my character to be like if I could have one chance at portraying someone and getting a big push...hmmmmmm. Okay...let's lay down the character fundamentals-and I don't think a woman has been portrayed in this way ever-unless it was an exploitative, demeaning way. I want to portray a physically strong woman, who really doesn't know her own strength, and is so idealistic and naive in some ways that she looks really clueless at times...she's not a dumb jock by any stretch, she is just kinda...out there. A little clumsy, sorta outta touch...but her heart is as good as gold and is always in the right place. Maybe kind of Andy Griffith meets Frances McDormand's character in Fargo meets Emily character in Trixie. She would have a bunch of kooky personality quirks like maybe she would talk funny-I can do a really good 'Minnesota' accent, I am from there, you know-or she would just act weird. She would definitely dance to her own drummer. She would definitely be a bit of a dork, a bit of a nerd. But her big thing would be this:she lives and breathes WRESTLING. That would really help separate me from the rest of the Diva pack-I know, you say I'm not one and I am the better for it...which is sweet (SCORE.) by the way-because I think we need a little bit of diversity here,for cryin' out loud!!!. We are all kind of indistinguishable from each other right now. But I would be a total gym rat, I would train non-stop, I woud be all wrestling, all the time, non-stop. In a nutshell,I would be portrayed as a real tomboy-with a dorky twist.

'I think the way a character like this would work would be as a babyface-but it would have to be done in a kind of spoofish, comedic way or it would have to simply not PREACH to the fans, because Kurt Angle had almost this exact gimmick, and the crowds booed him out of every arena!!! We would have to find some kind of comedic-yet warm & fuzzy-approach to this, to endear the gimmick to the crowds...it's intended to be cute, to make them feel good (I hope we can pull this off!!!).

'You know me well enough-NO T&A, no sexually-oriented storylines. As a matter of fact-even though I like them-I would rather not be aligned with a man. Too many Divas get put beside a man when they finally get over. I don't want to be confused with being a valet or a manager...I want to be known as a wrestler, first and foremost.

'Well, that's what I want, in a nutshell. Okay, Mister High-and-Mighty Inimitable H...let's see you play booker and we'll see what you can do with this!!!'

As told by me...The Inimitable H.:

'Oh...I think I can do something with this..!

'Let's lay down some more foundation here.Okay...Molly? This is equal parts gimmick and fetish, here: Glasses. How do you feel about them?
Molly: I wear them all the time to the arenas!
H.: Cool...because you look adorable wearing glasses for one, and two because nothing says 'kooky nerd' quite like glasses!!! We're in there! Now, your gym-rat persona...we could affect a minor face turn here, with you being so disgusted by the minor-league level skills of people like Stacy and Nidia that you try to train them and help them improve. At first-because you would still be aligned with Gail Kim and Jazz-you would intend it as a joke, and you would talk about Stacy and Nidia behind their backs. As time went on, you would actually start to compare their company to the company of people like Jazz and Gail and Trish...and you would find that you like Stacy and Nidias' company better-sorta like what happened with Regal and Eugene-planting the seed for your face turn.

'Gail, Jazz and Trish would sense this, and would participate in the training sessions, which you might think was great at first, until you saw what they were doing. Trish and Gail would just mock Stacy and Nidia, and Jazz would just shoot on everybody and try to intentionally hurt them. You would then have to choose between Gail, Jazz, Trish and Stacy,Nidia. You would choose the latter.

'Now, your wrestling skills stand apart from everyone else's as the best in the WWE...but even you can't make up for Nidia and Stacys' in-ring deficiencies against seasoned competitors like Trish, Gail and especially Jazz. Let's be frank: Stacy is not a wrestler, and Nidia (still) isn't ready. You would definitely be in an underdog role...which should help your face turn...and you would need an ally.

'Enter Victoria. Now, you and 'Toria would not get along at all in the storyline-I would try to book it the way the WWE booked Rocky and Austin when they were both faces-but you would get along just well enough to defeat a common enemy.

'Now, Trish,Gail and Jazz would still be dead-set on making your life a living hell, so they could take turns reading from your diary, which they could conveniently 'steal' from you during the last days of your heel phase. And they would have a lot of fun at your expense with it. They would ridicule you on air about the cheesy things you 'wrote' in it...things like WHATEVER. Whatever people would put in a diary. This would, of course, hurt your feelings and embarass you. It would also add a new twist to your alliance with 'Toria.

'A passage from you diary could read like this:

'I don't know...I like Victoria, but I know she just wouldn't understand me. I wish that she did, though. I think we have certain things in common. We both want to be the best, and we both ARE the best women in the WWE. I just have trouble connecting with her on a friendship level...and its' not just because she is nuts...I just have trouble connecting with anyone since Spike and Hurricane. I just wish I had some of the things that Victoria has...she can dance and she can entertain, and people seem to really like her. I wish I could be HER sometimes, and not have to be ME anymore.'

'Janeane Garofalo has made a career out of this...the girl with the 'less-than-matinee-idol good looks' who is constantly down on herself and has no self-esteem, a poor self-image, and takes it out on everybody else-which is what you did as a heel. Now, you would have to confront it, in this vicious, venemous forum put out by your former 'friends' and you would have to confront it in the face of that damning passage read aloud to the person who has humiliated you more than anyone else: Victoria. It could be interesting to see how you two would interact under these circumstances.

(*an aside: even with her Pacifica Radio-inspired, Noam Chomsky-esque view of politics, Janeane is still-and always has been-simply the best...even with the blonde 'do. Janeane Garofalo ROCKS!!! Now, someone just needs to make her sit down and listen to Craig B. Hulet just once. Just once. Then she'll see what's REALLY going on geo-politically. And I know...Molly is not afflicted with 'less-than-matinee-idol good looks'...that is just how her character has always been portrayed.)

'We could put another spin on this. You would think you were nothing, but we could have several of the male Superstars-heel and face-notice you, if you know what I mean. But you would not believe any of it when told...underscoring the fact that the negative thoughts and images we hold on to regarding ourselves are often not borne out in fact. I know you didn't necessarily want to do this, but there could even be an alliance with a male Superstar like Shelton Benjamin or Tajiri or someone who would have a mammoth crush on you in the storyline, and could make you 'feel better' about yourself. These relationships-particularly the men casting a wishful look in your direction-would be borne out of you training with them and doing the things they do;you arriving at the arena in a 1950 Mercury (the car from the movie Cobra that is so boss and cool);and your firm handshakes that would actually hurt some of them when they weren't expecting it-because you wouldn't know your own strength. In short, you would be well-short of being a 'girly-girl.' We would, in fact, be re-inventing the Diva...which is noteworthy,since you are not one.

'You love vintage cars. I'd make it a permanent part of your character. Everyone loves a chick who knows cars...and I would make sure at the end of this storyline that everyone would love YOU. It would play into your kooky, tomboyish-yet hard as nails-persona that we have created.

'As for your regular clothes...hmmmmmmmm. Far be it from me to dis your wardrobe, I think your sense of style rocks. But we are trying to create a character here. HHH and Austin basically live their gimmicks with the clothes they wear off-screen.Maybe we could do that with you. None of this will be flattering, but:
Hooded sweatshirts.
Gold's Gym T-Shirts.
Sweatpants.
Sneakers.
Sweat.
Towels.
Towels and sweat.
Lots and lots of empty water bottles.
More sweatpants and sweatshirts.
Generally anything that would make you look boyish and somewhat short of glamorous.
Get the idea? We are trying to create the image of someone who really has no life outside of wrestling. This will be TOTALLY DIFFERENT from the standard image of the WWE female.

'We would also resurrect the image of the Pure 'N' Wholesome (PNW) Molly:
No cursing, or even just strong language. It would be too much for you, and would make you faint or break out in a cold sweat.
Nothing even remotely sexual. You are a prude, and you won't have it.
You are sickeningly cute.Candy-sweetness personified...just a little, fluffy piece of cotton candy, you are.
Molly: Hey, watch it! I'm pretty tough!
H.: No...not the leg scissors again! You ruptured my SPLEEN the last time!

'Now, we would have to make this happen. The time is now.'

There is a reason I do the 'Building the Perfect Molly' thing. For starters, it's fun. It's also practical...it's tough to do a regular column on a wrestler who is never on T.V. without stuff like this.

The other reason is this: I just want to show some of the many things she COULD be doing, instead of the big fat NADA that she is currently involved with on Raw. This should make you a little mad.There is a whole universe of things he could be doing, and instead she gets paid basically to watch Raw, when she could be actually doing the things that she has spent the last few years of her life training her body and mind for:

Wrestling.

THE MOLLYOPOLY STEAK-UMS STING OF THE NIGHT:

'I'm a virgin girl...I wait 'till I'm married..! I'm a virgin girl...I don't go down on my knees..! I'm a virgin girl...I wait 'till I'm married... ...don't try to touch me...PLEASE!'

Johnny Crack (?!?), vocalist and Loverboy-castoff in the movie Shock 'Em Dead.

Now, it's time for me to make like Butch...and rolle. See ya.

(BUTCH ROLLE. Tight End. Drafted by the Buffalo Bills of the NFL in 1986 with the 3rd of their 3 seventh-round draft picks out of Michigan State. Played 8 seasons in the NFL for the Bills and the then Phoenix Cardinals, catching 38 receptions for 213 yards (5.6 yards per reception) and 11 touchdowns. One of my favorite NFL players back in the day...and I don't know why.)

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