Ahhhhhh...IF ONLY EVERYTHING COULD BE JUST PERFECT-
JUST LIKE A MOVIE STARRING KATHLEEN ROBERTSON!!!
Ahhhhhh...It's July 11,2004, and that means that its PPV time!!! Yup...all of you paying WWE customers will be privy to the PPV goodies that only WWE Vengeance (presented to you by the Raw brand of WWE television) could hope to provide. Honestly? I actually thought about purchasing Vengeance...for about 5 seconds. It sounds like the bookers put together a potentially good show...but, I've already explained my policy on buying WWE PPV's, and besides-I've got a Kathleen Robertson multi-feature set up today!!! Yeah...that's it...that's right...that's what I said. It's gonna be all about the delightfully pale Ms. (or Mrs.) Robertson today, as I watch (and re-watch) movies such as 'Scary Movie 2', 'Splendor', 'I Am Sam' (which I would ordinarily never watch, but Kathleen Robertson is in it, so what else could I do but sit back and watch it?),'Nowhere' (which has to be seen to be believed), and the wholesome, family-oriented bit of fru-fru, cinematic fun known as 'Torso: The Evelyn Dick Story'. This last one is a re-watch and I'm sure it will be more edifying than paying money to watch WWE Raw on PPV. I'm not slighting the card, the card is actually pretty good-all six matches thus far slated...I just remember a time when the WWE did better-with much less, mind you. Anyway, let's see...
VICTORIA vs. MOLLY HOLLY
This is being billed as a post-WMXX grudge match, which is fine...except for the fact that every time these two have been in a ring since WMXX it HAS BEEN BILLED AS A POST-WMXX GRUDGE MATCH!!! Hopefully, Vengeance 2004 will live up to its name, and allow Molly to get some of her heat back. At this point, if I weren't such a mark for these two (Molly in particular), there would be no reason to react to them at all. The wig is tired, Victoria's revival of the Paula Abdul 1989 Forever Your Girl Tour (with her LAME and pointless pre-match strip-and-dance routine) is tired...hell, Victoria going over Molly all the damn time every time all the time is tired. Do something new, WWE. Let Molly go over. As a matter of fact, WWE, try something really new:
Let a match between two women on WWE programming end with something other than a quick roll-up. Really...do Vince and the bookers just like to look at female hindquarters in the roll-up position? Is that why this is such a prevalent finish in the Women's Division? Wait a second...a lot of matches involving men also end with roll-ups in the WWE. Maybe Vince and the bookers are just misogynistic repressed homosexuals. I think this is a valid point, and if there is any truth to this at all, then I could explain the booking in the Women's Division in one word:GAY. Get your goddamned act together, WWE.
In any case, I think the match won't differ much from Molly/Victoria offerings that we've seen in the past. It'll be short, it will probably end with a quick roll up, and-speaking of the finish-well, let's see...who do you think is going over in this one? I bet its not going to be the better worker (who by the way, is also better-built and better-looking)...which means its probably not gonna be Molly!
KANE (THE PESTILENCE THAT WALKS LIKE A MAN) vs. MATT HARDY
This feud has made me indifferent to both men. I'll go for brevity in this one.
Someone named Kane or Matt Hardy will win this match.
WWE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
RIC FLAIR & EUGENE vs. LA RESISTANCE (champions)
I'm tired of Eugene. Flair and Eugene had better not win this thing...but I have a feeling they will. And even if Flair and Eugene put Grenier/Conway over, oh man. Uggghhhh!!! What exactly has happened to tag-team wrestling? Between SmackDown and Raw, there are TWO teams-La Res and The Dudleys-that COUNT. Man, where have the tag teams gone?
This is just too much Eugene!!! Especially since Raw is supposed to be the show that is heavy on the top draws!!! Why so much of the same 4 or 5 guys each week? I like Nick Dinsmore, I have actually dug this guy since Lex Luger was burying him in promos back in WCW's 'glory days', but this is too much. SLOW DOWN this PUSH! Black Jesus!!!
BATISTA vs. CHRIS JERICHO
I'm not gonna talk too much about this one. I expect Y2J to continue his long-standing WWE tradition of putting someone who he is clearly better than over himself on PPV. I also expect him to make Batista look really good and give Batista a chance for what could very well be the best match of his career up to this point. Hopefully, Batista can parlay his current monster push into a main-event spot in the near future.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
EDGE vs. RANDY ORTON (champion)
I like Edge, but this one is easy: Randy Orton over Edge in about 15-20 minutes. Look at the Vengeance promotional poster and tell me that you would take that belt off Randy Orton and put it on anyone other than John Cena at this moment. Well, John Cena is on the other show, so that won't happen (at just this moment) and anyway, Edge-to me at least-doesn't offer nearly what Old Man Orton offers at his moment. Edge may have the edge on Randy Orton insofar as just wrestling goes, but Orton's got everything else ANNNNNDDD he has that little somethin' extra that says 'Superstar' tattooed across his forehead. John Cena has it, Eddie Guerrero has it, Trish has it, Rocky has it, Jericho has it and hell, HHH has it. Edge has it too, but c'mon: he needs the main-event more than the Intercontinental Title, and unless the WWE plans on pushing both he and Randy Orton at that level (which may be truth...according to some Internet rumors) I say that Edge can get that push by having HHH interfere on Orton's behalf, costing him the title...Edge winning the title, but having Bisch reverse the decision, giving the title back to Orton, causing Edge to get into it with Bisch and forcing Bisch to serve Edge to HHH or Flair on a silver platter...or Benoit can come out in the midst of Evolution interference in the match, Benoit could summarily evict all the Evo. members who are NOT in the match except for HHH, who ducks a blow/chair-shot from Benoit and causes Benoit to strike Orton, costing Edge the match, and setting up an Edge or Benoit turn and feud.. The story of Randy Orton's long I-C title run still needs to be told, to unfold and come to its penultimate climax sometime around, oh I don't know...Survivor Series, maybe? Hell, why not WrestleMania? Keep that goddamned belt on Randy Orton!!! Again...I like Edge, but Randy Orton? I could have Randy Orton's BABY. And I'm male...so that would be a neat trick, no?
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
TRIPLE H vs. CHRIS BENOIT (champion)
My head says HHH in this one...but I'm playing a hunch, and I'm going to go with Benoit here. I think the WWE could get more from the roster with HHH as champion. Benoit may be the best technical wrestler in the WWE (Is that true? I mean, Kurt Angle is the one with the gold medal. I'm going with Angle on this one), but he is not interesting or charismatic enough to carry a storyline very far. He does do a decent job of being carried though-not in the ring, but in the areas that bring in the casual fans and thus make the WWE money:promos. Angles. Skits. Entertainment. Benoit can only entertain you while he wrestles...and so he can't carry a federation like HHH can. Or CAN he? The only way we could find out is if he holds the strap for a long time.
What's happened to me? Have I fellated HHH enough over the last handful of columns?
Okay, we'll see what the conclusions of the PPV are the day after. Now,the Raw report will be included in this issue...that is, if Molly is on the show. If she is not, then Vince & Co. will find themselves in DIRECT violation of the NMNRRR (No Molly No Raw Report Rule), and I have an itchy trigger finger these days. I'm just LOOKING for a reason to enforce the NMNRRR. So...is there going to be a Raw report on 7/12/2004? We'll see...right now, I've got to get to the movie Splendor!!! Kathleen Robertson Rocks.
THE DAY AFTER:
I'm back!!! It's Monday, 7/12/2004. As for that Raw report..? Well, let's see...other than Matt Hardy, Victoria and-most importantly, in my view-Molly Holly-everyone else that was on Vengeance was on Raw. So the NMNRRR is back in effect...but to be truthful, after getting wind of the results from Vengeance, I wasn't going to do a Raw report whether Molly was on the show or not.
You know what? I keep hearing the same thing-how much Molly sacrifices for the company, how unfair it is that she has had to spend the first 7 months of this year putting over the same woman, how humiliating it must be to have gotten her head shaved bald and still not get a push. I keep hearing from some people how it will all get better if we were to all just shut up, wait like pliant little schoolchildren and let Vince & Co. MAKE it all better. I have some news for you. It can get much worse. I have some more news for you. It will get MUCH worse.
This next bit is just my opinion. No facts, just my opinion. Take it or leave it...it would be impossible for me to care less. I don't hate Vince McMahon. I don't think that he is the devil. I AM indifferent to him. I DO wish that he were still capable of putting out a great show. To some extent he is, but too much of that seems to be dependent on DIRECT OUTSIDE COMPETITION. He certainly has no compunctions when it comes to simply putting out a half-assed show for the fans who keep him in business either by selling out arenas or by watching at home or by buying his PPV product. He just doesn't put out a great show for them. That should outrage you. Should. Know what? It doesn't.
Again...I don't hate Vince McMahon. I don't even dislike him. But...well, let's see...I think he got it HALF right when he said his programming is geared to what the fans want, with the 'want' that the fans covet being T & A. I can't argue with that, I would be a fool to argue with that logic. I still say that the current wrestling climate is just as much a fault of the fans-you AND I-as it is the WWE's. But you know what? Vince was being somewhat dishonest.
This is also about what HE wants. WWE programming is geared to what HE wants...infinitely moreso than what the fans want.
Vince has a long standing antipathy for cruiserweight-type wrestlers. So what happens? What should be the best collection of cruisers in North America is buried on T.V. on a weekly basis. Guys like Chris Jericho are stuck in the mid-card. Funaki can't get a fair shake-and this guy is best described as being a Japanese Shawn Michaels. Taka Michinoku had to get the hell out of town a few years back because of Vince's disdain for wrestlers shy of the 260-300 pound mark. Tajiri is hard pressed to even get on T.V.-and this guy is one of the top 5 or 6 most charismatic and talented guys in the Raw locker room.
The McMahon family is currently nursing one big boner for HHH. Listen to what the McMahons say about him. Watch Raw programming. Tell me that the show is not about him. If you have any heat at all, be you a babyface or heel, be you midcard or main-event, trust that HHH will at some point intercede and suck the life right out of your angle. You know, Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash were at one point tarred and feathered in Ole' WCW for doing much the same. Being the World Champ has done about half for Benoit what it has done for every other WWE/WWF champion since The Big Show's first World Title run...because the show is still about HHH, at the World Champ's expense. I don't care what happens on PPV. HHH lost the match due to outside interference. I've never seen a heel so reticently opposed to doing the clean job. When he loses, there is always something going on on the outside so that he doesn't look bad in defeat. And boy...he wastes no time in getting his heat back, does he?
The real itch in my crotch comes from the treatment of the WWE females. Notice that I didn't just single out Molly. I said ALL of the WWE women. All of you guys who are still hung up on her hair, on her losing to Victoria month after month, on her descent down the card, and-of course-those of you who are still hung up on her looks, as though this were important, as though this were actually IMPORTANT, do not even recognize the problem.