The Unlucky Number
(*The theme song for Mollyopoly # 13 is 'MX' from the Deftones (1997's 'Around the Fur'). I love the Deftones.)
THE MOLLYOPOLY AIMLESS, SEMI-COHERENT RANT:
Molly Holly. Dawn Marie. Gail Kim. Trish Stratus. Miss Jackie. Lita. Sable. Stacy Keibler. Nidia. Victoria. Jacquelyn. These are some of the WWE women who all look better than Torrie Wilson. I'll throw in Stephanie McMahon and Rue DeBona. Bobbi Billard, Terri Runnels and LaTasha Marzolla just got fired by the WWE. I'll throw them in, too. Hell, I'll throw in Shane McMahon's wife, Marissa Mazolla. Hiroko Suzuki, Jillian Hall and Alexis Laree look better than Torrie Wilson. Whoever wins the Raw Diva Search will look better than Torrie Wilson. I promise. April Hunter, Daffney and Kimberly Page have never (will never?) worked for the WWE. Know what? They look LIGHT-YEARS better than Torrie Wilson. Former WCW Nitro Girls Chiquita, Sharmell Sullivan and Spice look better than Torrie Wilson. Jamie Gleicher from the show Rich Girls looks better than Torrie Wilson. There are 3 different women who work at the store I work at who ALL look better than Torrie Wilson. Know what? ALL of these women (except, obviously, the three women I work with), while some of them may not be able to outwork Torrie Wilson (?!?), certainly added or add something to the show, some little bit of talent, be it dancing, mic-work, or simply being able to (competently) perform the role of manager/valet. All of them...except for Torrie Wilson. She can't act, she can't work, she can't speak...other than (supposedly) looking good, what in HELL can she do? Well, she has that one inate skill that you can't teach...the ability to get paid. She has no discernible skill in the field wherein she is currently employed, but boy-can she collect a paycheck. She should wear a ski mask everytime she picks up her paycheck, because she is robbing the WWE blind. I mean c'mon-she is far from ugly, but the WWE pushes this broad like she's the Standard against which ALL women are supposed to be measured...and she is like,so NOT.Torrie Wilson is less than useless. Rene Dupree's poodle, Fifi, adds more to SD than Torrie Wilson ever could. Boy, does she live up to all of the blonde stereotypes...and she's not even a natural blonde. God, I'm not a praying man, but if you can hear me...please give Torrie Wilson a). a huge talent infusion or b). her walking papers. Whichever you prefer. Please.
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW LIVE FROM WINNIPEG ARENA, WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, CANADA- 7/5/2004
Molly was on Raw tonight, so the NMNRRR (No Molly, No Raw Report Rule) will not be in effect this week. As a matter of fact, Raw was a little better tonight than it has been in recent months, so I actually don't have much to complain about this week...but I will anyway.
Raw opens with Interim General Manager Eugene, a coterie of WWE Superstars, and a good-hearted, spirited game of...musical chairs? Believe it or not, this wasn't half-bad. Bisch couldn't be here tonight, Eugene explains, but someone is going to get a shot at a championship tonight. The players? Ric Flair. Stacy Keibler. Tajiri. The Coach. Jerry Lawler. Tyson Tomko. Chris Jericho. And the game is, of course, musical chairs. After some comedy spots including The Coach getting misted, Lawler sitting on Stacys' lap, Ric Flair pushing Stacy around and T.Tomko getting got by Y2J, we have our Musical Chairs Champion, Chris Jericho...and he gets his shot at Randy Orton and the WWE I-C Title...tonight!!!
La Resistance (Robert Conway & Sylvain Grenier) took on the team of Rhyno & Val Venis. La Resistance went over by hitting Val with the au Revoir and covering him for the pin. The crowd did not really react to this one at all. Can you say the words 'misuse' and 'of' and 'talent'?
Backstage Angle with Randy Orton, Ric Flair & Batista. The Legend-Killer is not a big fan of Eugene. Know why? Here's why. It's not bad enough that Eugene has to be an 'honorary member' of The Evolution Gentlemen's Establishment. It's not even bad enough that Randy has to take on Edge at WWE Vengeance...but now, thanks to Eugene's tomfoolery, Randy has to take on Y2J tonight...for the Intercontinental Title? What in the samhill is going on here? Title defenses? For shame!!! Anyway, Flair is miffed at playing musical chairs and Batista tries to make sure that cooler heads prevail. Eugene comes in and basically proceeds to annoy Evolution and make matches. He books Batista and Kane-The Animate End-tonight, and at Vengeance, he books Flair and-after playing with his action figure-himself (!!!) vs. La Resistance for the WWE World Tag Team Championship. Flair was about ready to show Eugene just how skilled of a proctologist he was at this point, but Orton and Batista held him back...for the moment.
HHH Promo: HHH is Charles Darwin-reborn-and if I were interested in anything he said tonight, I would write it down. Which I'm won't. So I'm not. Edge came out and got in HHH's face. Yaaaaawwwwwnnnnn. Edge needs a new gimmick, or he needs to hurry up and turn heel. I've heard that the WWE is tossing around the notion of cutting his hair and giving him a new look. Whatever they do, they need to do it, and do it quick. Edge bores...and he shouldn't. Perhaps he needs to be taken out of the midcard and moved into the main-event somehow.
Kane vs. Batista. Kane by DQ after Matt Hardy ran in and used Kane as a punching bag. Waitaminnit. Matt Hardy used Kane as a punching bag. I know I want V.1 to get much more of a push, but I don't think using Kane as a punching bag is the way to go. Shouldn't it be the other way around?!? Hint to WWE: When booking this feud, think Tommy Dreamer and everyone he feuded with in ECW. Tommy didn't win-often-but that wasn't the point. He never backed down. The WWE has spent the last few months resuscitating Kane's monster image after that was effectively no-sold in his feud with Shane McMahon...and if they continue to have Matt using Kane as a punching bag, then those months will have been a waste of time. You can still get his feud over, you can still get BOTH of these guys over...with Kane as an unstoppable monster.
Backstage Angle: Todd Grisham with Matt Hardy. We learn that The Grish can't take a hint. V.1 obviously doesn't want to talk about his chances against The Pestilence That Walks Like A Man at Vengeance. He certainly doesn't feel like answering questions about Lita or questions regarding the babys' paternity either. We know he doesn't because he glowers at The Grish before walking off and thusly concluding this segment. Two points: I liked Matt better as a heel, and the Kane/Lita/Matt triangle is making me sick of all the involved parties.
It's the Raw Diva Search!!! You know something? Victoria Rowell (Young and The Restless) is about 44 years old...but she looks barely half that. Wanna know something else? I've seen The Prospective Divas For Whom Raw Is Searching-and Victoria Rowell looks better than each and every one of them and is better at what she does than each and every one them is at whatever it is that they do...of course, the same thing applies to Torrie Wilson. Just face it...Victoria Rowell lords it over all of you!!!
Chris Jericho vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton...for the I-C strap. I'm tired of Jericho putting everyone ELSE over. Randy over Y2J via the handy, dandy quick roll-up. Jericho has beaten Austin and The Rock on the same PPV on the same night, but the roll-up finish can do him in? You see how into this I am?
Backstage Angle: HHH & Eugene...doing...something. Okay...there is a triple threat match involving Molly, 'Toria and Nidia. Losing to 'Toria is one thing, but not...not...Nidia, right? That kind of stuff doesn't happen anymore...ummmmm, right? Please?
Triple-Threat/Contract on A Pole Match: Victoria vs. Molly Holly vs. Nidia. Nidia won this thing. Auuuugggh. No fair.
Postmatch Angle: Trish Stratus & Nidia. I'm too depressed to give Trish her just due...because Molly just lost. Again. I hate the WWE...okay, I've recovered...just for the moment. Ugggh...Trish....rocks...ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! ...Molly lost...energy...fading...haRRRRRRgggh...Trish is a great...female...talent...ugggh..!!!
Question. I know its a Molly Holly fansite, and this column is named for and honors the inestimable presence that is Molly, but why do some of you people pick on Trish Stratus? C'mon...Trishs' 'man-toes'? Please. Face it...Trish rocks. I'm partial to Molly, but even I can see that Trish has earned the accolades AND her current spot atop the WWE Diva heap. Accept it.
It's the Raw Diva Search...again!!! I bet they're not searching for Molly...assholes. I wonder if The Prospective Divas For Whom Raw Is Searching even KNOW that Molly lost her match tonight? They probably don't even care. Well, hear this: Vivica A. Fox, Victoria Rowell and Jamie Lee Curtis look better than ALL of you, so there!!! Want an insult? Molly looks better than you all. Want an injury to go with that insult? Molly could whip you all in any kind of fight, fair or otherwise! No-good, sorry sacks of..!!!
Backstage Angle: Trishandtomko mock poor old Nidia, and then come across Lita...and proceed to give her the same mockery-inspired treatment. Poor Lita. Poor Molly. She lost, you know. It's not right!!!
Backstage (Again?) Angle: HHH & Eugene (again?!?) They were discussing something, and I bet it was something other than the fact that Molly lost her match tonight!
3 on 2 Handicap Match: Edge and WWE World Heavyweight Champion Chris Benoit vs. Ric Flair, HHH & ...Eugene!!! Go to hell, world, and don't come back until Molly wins a goddamned match!!!
THE MOLLYOPOLY RAW PERFORMER OF THE WEEK:
Well, Molly has spoken, and Molly says 'We have a TIE!' Yep. It comes down to you, Trish Stratus, and it comes down to you, Gail Kim. Trish, you are a truly gifted athlete and talented performer aaaannnd you have proven yourself to be beyond reproach in this area: YOU PUT EVERYONE OVER. I've said it before, I'll say it again: You are the female version of The Rock and the WWE needs so much more of that. And I'm gonna continue to put Trish over in the face of some of the puerile,petty comments some people have made about her on the tag board. I'm gonna mention some names here. Chyna. Sable. Stacy Carter. These women all had runs in the spot Trish currently holds-the Top Diva on The Heap. None of these women did a damned thing to make the diva product as a whole good. Now along comes a woman who-and she doesn't HAVE to, by the way- sells for everybody, bumps her ass off, has worked her tail off to become credible in the ring AND on the mic and PUTS EVERYONE OVER, and some of you want to piss on her parade because she's blonde and attractive to go with everything else? So you find one 'flaw' and swoop down upon it like vultures? Hmmmm...I thought Molly Holly 'fans' would know better than to ridicule another woman because of her 'alleged' flaws-isn't that Mollys' bugaboo? I thought Molly Holly 'fans' would be intelligent enough not to ridicule the woman who is at least PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE for whatever heat Molly drew during her 2nd title run and even now. Again...Trish doesn't have to perform the way she does. She could've pulled a Torrie Wilson on us...and THEN who screwed up would Molly and the Women's Division be? So stop talking about her 'man-toes' and all that nonsense. I think that everyone who has ever visited nora-world.org would love to do all kinds of nasty, freaky things to her 'man-toes.' You're fooling NOBODY. Gail Kim. Gail, Gail, Gail, Gail...Gail. Where do I start? You have been my whipping boy (?!?) in past columns, and with good reason. You were sloppy and prone to blowing at least 1 big spot per match. I said you weren't ready. Know what I didn't say? That you had the potential to be the next Trish Stratus. Know what I am going to say now? That you are one or two decent pushes away from being even better than Trish. And Molly. And Victoria. In short, better than every other lady who works in the WWE. Know what else I am going to say? Thank you. For proving me wrong. See, when I come to the conclusion that a worker is sloppy/green, I LIKE to be proved wrong...I don't want to be right about that!!! A woman of your abilities is the possible bit of good fortune that the WWE Women's Division has lacked for years. Good luck, Gail Kim in your quest to achieve your vast in-ring potential.