Exclusives | Columns | Arlando | Issue #13
THE MOLLYOPOLY STRETCH OF THE WEEK:

Steven Richards...cross-dresser. Is there any way he, Victoria, Gail Kim and Molly Holly can possibly get this over? Maybe not...but then again, maybe so. Is there any way he, Victoria, Gail Kim and Molly Holly can possibly get this over...with Victoria and Steven as the babyfaces? Maybe not...but then again, ummmm....maybe not. Oh, heck, who cares. It's my column, and I'll fail if I want to! If I'm gonna go down looking like a moron, I may as well do so in the warm, comforting confines of The Mollyopoly 'Stretch of the Week' ! Transmitting live from Mars? Indeed..!!! I'm transmitting live from Uranus, baby!!!

Listennnnn...

Wow...this was easy. When you have-according to the storyline and their current gimmicks-two women, like Molly and Gail Kim (The E.L.O.-Electric Ladies' Orchestra), who are both a hop, skip and a jump away from being portrayed as butch lesbians on screen, then the man-hating, hypocritical, harsh butch-lesbian female element you need to get a cross-dressing Steven Richards over as a unique face are all there. It could also give the WWE a chance to develop Victoria's character...or better yet, just give her one PERIOD. She doesn't have a character as a babyface. She's the chick who dances, wears a knee-brace and has a cool finish that you get to see every once in a blue moon. And of course, it gives The ELO a chance to possibly shine in that nice midcard-lower midcard slot that they could do wonders for.

Okay...Steven Richards is back, and he's fightin' with a gun this time...except that gun fires blanks and his attire now slants more toward the Dame Edna fashion line. 'Toria kicked him unceremoniously to the curb after she won the undying praise and adulation of WWE crowds following her face turn...but SR ain't mad. No,no,no...he's become a really big fan of the Dalai Lama and Ghandi and Jesus and he has decided to do what TOO MANY Christians don't...he's gonna turn the other cheek!!! Big man, that SR!!! But, he's learned that he likes to dress like a librarian spinster, and hopefully 'Toria will find it in her heart to accept SR back into her shallow, fickle life.

After 1-2 months of comedic mis-communication, bad timing in and out of the ring and countless misunderstandings, the two tirailleurs rediscover the magic and renew that special bond that made Steven and Victoria...well, Steven and Victoria!!! And it IS special!!! Those WWE crowds, blessed audience that they are, count themselves fortunate as only they can bear witness to such spectacles of mirth and madness that would warm even the heart of Kane-The Most Joyless Man Alive. Nothing on this earth could hope to stem the tide of happiness that 'Toria and Steven represent...

...except..!!!

Okay, first it was men applying rouge to themselves and wearing leopard-print thong underwear, then that movie 'Angie' and now...it's...this. Cross-dressing WWE Superstars? Not on Mollys' holier-than-thou watch!!! C'mon...it is so easy to turn Mollys' prudish, pseudo-butch character into a man-hating homophobe that it is not even funny. You could even give her a kind of 'Christian' take on this...the whole 'ungodliness' of men wearing cheap, off-the-rack women's clothing from Wal-Mart, for god's sake!!! Molly would just make their lives miserable trying to-forcibly-assert upon 'Toria and SR the need for men to be men and cross-dressers to be...well...someplace ELSE. Gail Kim would not take the self-righteous, holier-than-thou approach...she would just play up her lackey image (as per her current character) and do as Molly does...OR, she could put a vicious twist on it and-as Molly is focusing on SR-Gail could focus on 'Toria by hurting her 'good friend' SR in whatever creative fashion she can imagine.

OR...Gail could use this as an angle to turn face...I mean after a few weeks of duking it out with 'Toria and SR, Gail would at some point look up and see how much fun (okay...Victoria and Steven Richards need a DUO name...I know.'Ste-toria' Stetoria. Stetoria. Okay, it's lame, but it's what I'm gonna go with) Stetoria are having. She would then look at her relationship with Molly and would see all the Blue Mondays that come with sharing space with that hostile, self-righteous Molly Holly. Well, Gail would compare notes and head for the hills and side with Stetoria...leaving Molly alone to team up with somebody else (Jazz and Trish look like they could hate on a cross-dresser!) to turn their smiles upside-down.

There are a handful of elements that could make an angle like this productive. First, it involves four people in the same angle. Second, it involves four people who have talent and need the airtime to get themselves over. Thirdly, it would involve a male babyface in the 'unique' spot of having to come physically to blows with a woman. Somehow, I think SR could pull that off. I mean, hey...no one likes annoying, shrewish women...and Molly and Gail could pull that off. There are all kinds of comedy spots in and out of the ring you can do with a cross-dressing SR and the WWE could play on Molly and Gails' 'relationship' (the two have been like white on rice for months now). Of course, the two would not have been actually doing anything-if I were the booker, there is NO WAY I'm gonna even TRY to put Molly through a lesbian angle after WMXX. I mean, first of all, it wouldn't be right, and secondly...

...you could get a Molly or Gail Kim face turn out of this.

Think about this...with Stetoria constantly alluding to ELO's 'relationship', Gail could blurt out that she would never do ANYTHING with Molly, because to do 'it' with her would be so...so...uggggghhh!!! Molly could take this the wrong way-or the right way, depending on how you were writing T.V. at this point-and become hurt and offended that Gail would NOT sleep with Molly. More comedy...two homophobes feuding because one of the two wouldn't sleep with the other. You could then find a way to turn one of the two women face and have them feud with each other over this.

'Toria needs a gimmick...a real one, and not just' Bubbly WWE Diva Babyface # 5080' Try the rebel gimmick, WWE. Yeah...just put 'Toria in an angle where she would be feuding with Bisch a lot, and have her openly defy his authority. Here's how you can make money off her lame entrance. Bisch orders her not to do her dance anymore, because it sucks. Besides, 'Toria isn't a good a dancer as Trish (way to align the top Diva heel with an Authority figure!). So 'Toria stops, until mean-ole' Trish continues to mock her...so 'Toria retaliates with flying fists aaaand proving that she, not Michael Flatley, is the true Lord of The Dance, by bringing back her prematch Rhythym Nation 1814 inspired dance solo. There. Instant feud with 'Toria, Bisch, Trish and Molly and/or Gail...with the ultra-charismatic SR thrown in for fun.

The glue that would fuel the ELO dynamic is that Molly is the prudish, romanticizing, sheltered virgin...while Gail Kim actually is practiced in the unlawful, carnal knowledge. They would thusly trip over themselves and sow the seeds of destruction of their own team. Now, until Molly finds a man in the storylines that she can mesh with and provide some kind of draw for the WWE, she will have to run from men, and die lonely and afraid. In other words, until Molly loses this gimmick-which would entail her character losing her virginity-Gail would seem most likely to turn face...except for the fact that Gail is better at playing the heel right now. Sigh. So Molly would have to turn, and provide WWE fans with more skits involving the straight-laced virtuous Wonder-Girl that Molly is trying to hold down her lunch while Stetoria is at Wal-Mart shopping for some new threads for SR...and hopefully, they would not purchase anything that would be heavy on the decolltage. Ewwwwww.

The main key to a Stetoria/ELO feud is that, at some point, men and women would be wrestling each other...a fact that Molly has expressed somewhat of a lack of eagerness for in the past. However, I think SR is a good enough worker to not kill either Gail or Molly, and he seems to be a gracious enough worker to put either of them over. I mean, come on...he's already wearing a dress, for cryin' out loud! But that would be the true litnus test of this angle...whether ELO and Stetoria could work a convincing series of matches together, that would involve-on more than a few occasions-either Gail or Molly pinning SR. They can do everything else...could they pull THIS part off? It would be fun to see.

THE PORTION OF THE COLUMN THAT PUTS THE MOLLY IN MOLLYOPOLY

And, by the bye, I have heard rumours that Molly has been(is?) dating WWE SD referee Charles Robinson. Why do I care? I don't. I just regurgitated this info for some of you who seem curiously interested in who Molly is dating...and there seem to be a lot of you.

THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK? No, no. This is...The Chronicles of Molly Holly &...The WWE I'm Better Than You Title. Molly has been inactive lately, what with her busy schedule doing...ummmm, something, and she saw fit to make a big splash with her return to active, global title defenses. Devon Sawa saw fit to insult the profession of pro wrestling, and insulted Molly for 'competing' in a 'fake' 'sport'. Now, of course, Devon Sawa did this to cover up the fact that he has a huge jones for the delightful Mollyholly, and Molly is a sucker for a good rib, but this...this, this is no good. She demanded that Devon Sawa accept her challenge to a match...one-on-one...for the WWE I'm Better Than You Title! Mr. Sawa tried to talk his way out of it, but in the end, Molly made him beg, Molly made him cry, Molly made him scream and THEN she made Devon Sawa just another victim as she powerbombed him through the Spanish announce team table, dragged him back into the ring, and made him tap out to her version of the Fujiwara armbar. What a talent...what a performer. What an incredible WWE I'm Better than You Champion Molly Holly makes! Wheeeeeee!!!

By the way, The Chronicles of Riddick was a stupid movie. Night of The Lepus and Razorback-movies about giant, killer, carnivorous rabbits that roar like lions and a giant, mack-truck like pig that has a major jones for human flesh, respectively-are MUCH better than The Chronicles of Riddick. And Hellboy too, for that matter. Boy, were those two movies stupid.

THE STEAK-UMS STING OF THE NIGHT:

(*This one comes to you courtesy of Germany from the movie 'Kondom des Grauens' ('The Killer Condom'. No...I did not make that up. What is 'The Killer Condom' about? What does it SOUND like it is about???)

Dr. Riffleson: 'Smimoff's new method for binding silicon latex with centripedal lacitin filaments is a sign from God that we must put an end to these perverse sinners!' Det. Luigi Macaroni (?!?): ....'uh-huh'

Take it easy.

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