This column is mentally hip-hop, smoothed out on the R&B tip, with a pop-feel-appeal to it!!!
(*As you might've been able to discern from the title, the theme song for Mollyopoly # 12 is a little something from Bell Biv DeVoe called...'Poison' And everyone likes this, so don't kid yourself by finding fault with this selection. I can't believe that this song is almost a decade-and-a-half old.)
(*Note: This issue is probably going to tick some of you off.)
Allllrighttttttt!!! Molly was on Raw for 10 seconds on 6/21/2004, so I have EVERY CONFIDENCE that the WWE will have her and many of the other workers that weren't featured last week on the 6/28/2004 live telecast of Monday Night Raw from Richmond, Virginia. After all, I have just...sat back and waited for things to change, so it all SHOULD change! Everyone knows that change occurs in a vacuum! So let the Raw Report beginnnnnn...
...next week perhaps. Yep. Molly and some of the usual suspects weren't on Raw on its 6/28/2004 telecast, so the NMNRRR (No Molly, No Raw Report Rule) is-just like the Beastie Boys-back in effect.
There are, however, two things I want to discuss.
1). FAMILIES LOVE THIS!!! Lita. Matt Hardy...and Kane's prospective seed. Ummm...writers? If you wanted Lita to help Matt out of his jam with Kane, was this really the way to do it? The word, people, is RAPE. R-A-P-E. I'm sure that there are now some LEGAL procedures that Lita could undertake to get her own back between Kane. All this storyline would have to do to garner my 'Lamest Angle of The Summer' award is for Lita to (inevitably) miscarriage. I would rather watch all of the Friends reruns and the 'Gun Episode' of My So-Called Life back-to-back while listening to ALL of Jill Sobule's and Heather Nova's albums...TWICE...while doing the macarena...starkers...in Poughkeepsie...in midwinter...while loving a woman from the Mojave Valley...than to have to endure where this angle has now gone. This...this, this is no good.
(*Disclaimer: I have a political VIEW, not an opinion. Want to know the difference? Look the words up. If you do not want to be offended by my political VIEWS (hint:They are NOT the same as those that JBL, Ric Flair and many others in the WWE hold, or hold publicly, at least) then skip this part. Or better yet, don't skip it. The time is long past when the simple act of discussing world affairs is taken to be OFFENSIVE, an unwelcome deterrent to your need to have a 'good day' 24-7. Because if-at this point in history- intelligent conversation concerning our OCCUPATION of Iraq-not our 'war' with Iraq, our OCCUPATION-is going to 'ruin your day' and 'bring you down', then we will deserve the horrible fate that awaits some of us within the next 8-10 months or so)
2) PLANES, TRAINS & IRAQ'S (Supposed) SOVEREIGNTY: Okay...first of all, here is how this works: sovereign power is the power to 1)make and enforce the law 2)control the nations finances and 3)-this is key-CONTROL THE NATION'S MILITARY ESTABLISHMENT. I read the reports of the U.S. 'handover' of power to Iraq; did anyone else notice the fine print? Did anyone else see that the 'interim' government down in Iraq appointed to oversee this 'sovereignty' are handpicked by OUR government? Did anyone else notice that Iraq was promised the full delivery of Saddam Hussein for trial and punishment by us? Did anyone else notice that despite these claims, WE STILL CONTINUE TO PHYSICALLY HOLD SADDAM HUSSEIN? This is worse than a sham, due to the fact that true, literal sovereignty does NOT exist, and it certainly won't in Iraq. Other nation's (such as ours) make the notion, the idea, of 'true sovereignty' a lie, by DIRECTLY INTERFERING in the internal affairs of other governments. Case in point: Iraq was recognized as a sovereign nation by international law...until, the U.S. stepped in, and decided it needed to privatize the oil fields. Now WE are 'granting' Iraq full-power to govern themselves? Look...if the Iraqi people had a democracy like ours, a carbon-copy of ours, then they would have the right to KEEP AND BEAR ARMS. Think Bush and Co. will let that happen? Do you think they have a right NOT to? No, the Iraqi people are LESS free to govern over themselves right now than they were under Saddam. And he was a dictator! We will STILL have full military presence in Iraq. The interim government will have a VERY limited ability to enact new laws or change any of the existing legal agreements that the Coalition Provisional Authority has put out-but they WILL impose martial law. Bank on that. And then there is the important point, the obvious point: the Iraqi citizenry that we are trying to 'liberate' had NO ROLE IN ELECTING ANY OF THE MEMBERS OF THIS INTERIM GOVERNMENT. What does any of this have to do with wrestling? Rob Conway made reference to the U.S. meddling in the affairs of other countries just before his and Sylvain Greniers' tag match with Rhyno and Sgt. Slaughter (No Molly, no Gail Kim, no Victoria, no Albert...but Sgt. Slaughter gets a match on Raw? ) and whether or not he meant his brief comment, it is nice that somebody said SOMETHING...even if only to get some cheap heel heat.
Also, its ih-RAHCK, not eye-RACK. This would be a good place for some of you to start. Also, we will 'coincidentally' find Osama bin Laden sometime around election time. And no, this will NOT be good.
It is horrifying when the horrific and 'evil' aspects of history repeat themselves (and we ARE repeating ourselves. We are repeating Vietnam...with the added backdrop of World War 3 looming on the horizon.If you happen to be between the ages of 18-34...and I am...then there is another event that took place in Vietnam that WILL be repeated sometime after the elections-no matter who gets elected to the presidency...the Military Draft.), but it is-to me, at least-horrifying when this same horror and 'evil' finds new precedents and imposes itself anew...this time under the guise of global corporatism, materialism (and I'm not talking about the government here. I mean OUR overbearing, overpowering, all-consuming materialism and need for cars and fossil fuel), apathy, and the extreme hatred in some of you for the Muslim community, domestic and abroad. I would imagine that if there were a god ( I don't believe. Sorry.), then that god would surely weep at the horrors that man blindly and lustfully visits on his fellow man. Or maybe by now, his tears would be all dried up, and He would have turned His back on us by now...and if there WERE a god, then we would deserve that. But in the end, I think it's just men...doing what men have always done.
BUILDING THE PERFECT MOLLY: THE EXTENDED VERSION
Okay, Mollys' heel character is stale...so what kind of babyface would she make? Well, she would make a dandy one, on these grounds: firstly, history shows that she makes for a good babyface (if only a tad-bit sugar-sweet and cutesy, cutesy, cutesy) and secondly...she has an adorable baby face already! Well, we could look into this, and see what kind of babyface permutations we can come up with...but there is something I want to see first:
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SEE: THE MOLLYOPOLY STRETCH OF THE MONTH
Here, I will expose myself to potential ridicule and scorn, and go out into left-field, into the circus realm of over-the-top characters that Vince McMahon pioneered. I will look into things that may not be readily acceptable as gimmicks or angles for Molly. And in this edition of The Mollyopoly Stretch of The Month I present to you: Molly...the mental burnout.
Mollys' been through quite a lot over the last half-year. She's been no-sold by Victoria. She lost her Women's Championship, which seemed to define her whole persona. Worse still, she is all alone in the world now. Other than her tenuous relationship with Gail Kim (a marriage of convenience, if ever there was one), there is no one in the Raw locker room that Molly can call a friend (her character, people...not the real woman behind the character!!!). She also suffered a true 'humiliation' at WMXX. So, her 2nd big heel push saw her lose it all. Well, the time is ripe to concoct and execute one of those mental breakdown angles that the kids all love these days!!!
Now, I'm going to split this up into two sections. First, we will see Molly paired up with a WWE Superstar in this angle...because the possibility exists that Molly may not be a leading lady...she may not be able to get a fairly big angle over on her own merits, and may need to be paired off with somebody else. The second part will see Molly try to pull this angle off on her own. With nobody else around.
1) Molly and The Big Show: I may be the minority, but I have been VERY intrigued over a team-up featuring these two for a long time. TBS snapped and terrorized Torrie Wilson and attempted to 'murder' Kurt Angle and now he's locked up in the looney-bin...next to Looney Lane...with Lenny Lane, and the rest of the West Hollywood Blondes(?!?). Anyway, it would only be fitting for the now mentally-unfit Molly to comisserate and bond with the equally mentally unfit TBS in a meeting of the minds, so to speak.
Molly likes comedy? Well, so too does TBS...which means the moments of comic mirth and slapstick and good cheer should abound here. The two wouldn't even have to work, they could simply engage in a lot of Three Stooges type slapstick physical humor. Yeah, Molly might be seen a just being a comedy act with something like this...but it sure as hell beats the big,fat NOTHING that she's doing right now, right? Right!!!
Anyway, the two are in some mental institution...somewhere. The two just bump into one another, and exchange notes. TBS snapped because he lost to Eddie Guerrero, he lost his job, and Torrie Wilson laughed at him (or so he says). Molly snapped because she lost to Victoria (again...and again, and again, and again), she lost her Title and her hair and EVERYBODY laughed at her. TBS would chime in with:'I didn't laugh at you, Molly. I respect you.' A bond that would span a lifetime is formed. See?
These two could trip over themselves, OD on the methodone, and engage in a lot of Dumb and Dumber type comedy skits...Mollys' humor quotient would be filled, she would be back on T.V. in an angle where she would at least have the chance of getting over, and at least some of her fans would be happy.
Now, some of the real comedy would take place when the two got out of said institution. TBS would be cleared to work again, which means he would have to settle up with Kurt Angle, which means a PPV match, which means TBS would have to get in shape. See how this would just kind of write itself? Molly-TBS' new best friend-would train him and get him back in SOME kind of shape for his big showdown with Our Olympic Hero (OO-H...kind of like a James Bond type thing. That's what I'm calling Kurt from now on...OO-H). TBS on the Stairmaster. TBS trying to do pushups. Pull-ups. Crunches. TBS on the treadmill. TBS taking that 10-mile run. TBS trying to do anything fitness-related. TBS trying to eat sensibly and healthily. TBS trying to learn how to work a technical match from Molly. (Remember a few years back when HHH was trying to show Trish how to wrestle?) Molly...trying to contain her frustration over TBS' reticence and trying to keep a straight face at the same time while getting a front-row seat to view TBS' ineptitude. I see comedy here, people. If William Regal pissing up TBS' leg (as he did a few years back...why is Regal involved in the NASTIEST angles?) and Perry Saturn forming a romantic interest in...a...MOP can get serious airtime, then I don't see why this couldn't. Come on...The World's Biggest Athlete (ummm...that's Shaquille O'Neal, people) forming a team with and being coached by one of the shortest women on the WWE roster? This angle could be habit-forming!!! Also, TBS is more charismatic than Molly. Maybe some of that could rub off on her. Molly is a much better wrestler than TBS. Maybe some of that could rub off on him. In any case, this Odd-Couple Angle could-theoretically-bring out the best in both workers.
Old Angel Eyes...Molly goes...SOLO:
Okay...the previous permutation of this angle was intended as pure comedy. The second permutation falls somewhat SHORT of comedy.
You know, one of the funny things about people who are suffering from a nervous breakdown is the fact that they are in denial about the fact that there is anything wrong with them at all. They don't need to go to the doctor! They don't need to take those pills! They certainly don't need to be locked up in some institution! They just need to be left ALONE. This should be Mollys' setup here. In her mind, throughout the angle, there is nothing wrong her her...everybody else is the problem. Bisch would see this in Mollys' erratic backstage behavior, and would act accordingly...but not in some show of altruism, mind you. He would just be doing it to get Molly out of his hair. Molly would be put in a straitjacket and carried out, kicking and screaming, by medical people and taken to the looney bin. On the way out, in the din of all her kicking and screaming, she would overhear many a Superstar and many a Diva commenting on her'craziness' and how nuts she is. This last one is important: The last person she would overhear would be Gail Kim, telling Bisch how frickin' insane Molly is, and how glad she is that that 'bitch' is finally gone.