GIVE ME MOLLY OR GIVE ME...DEATH!!!
(*Note: the theme music for Mollyopoly # 10 is 'Brass in Pocket'. Pretenders. You can go eat all the gizzard souffle you can eat with your choice of chicken-fried squid eyes or pickled pigs' ovaries as sides if you don't like this selection)
Some of you may already be familiar with the drill, but for those of you who are not, allow me to illuminate: The NMNRRR (No Molly, No Raw Report Rule) is still very much in effect. What does it all mean? Just what it says. If Molly ain't on Raw, than Raw ain't getting talked about in my column for that week. A terrible punishment, I know. Anywho, let's see: Is the NMNRRR going to have to be enforced this week?
Well, Molly was on Raw, so let the Raw Report beginnn.....
...ummm, sorta. Molly was on Raw for a split second, but a whole lot of other workers were conspicuosly absent. Maybe I should start a 4MOR?NRRR (4 matches on Raw? No Raw Report Rule) What am I talking about? Listen...
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW LIVE (6/21/2004) from MIAMI, FLA.
Raw opens with an appearance from the People's Champion, The Great One, The Brahma Bull himself, The Rock. Families love this!!! I generally refer to Y2J as my favorite wrestler, but that is mainly because that is what he does for a living right now. Before he hit Hollywood, The Rock was, in fact, my favorite worker EVER, and now he is my favorite celebrity personality. Anywho, lets do some math: The Rock + Promo + his hometown of Miami = RATINGS!!! Let's be frank. There are promos, there are great, classic promos...and then, there is what this guy does. Rockys' mic should be registered as a lethal weapon every time he gets within 50 feet of it. The Rock, of course, continued with his tradition of putting everyone else over. He put over his family; his-and these are HIS words-'fine-ass wife'; Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor of the Miami Dolphins (Rocky can give all the inspirational speeches he wants to. This team ain't gonna win a Supebowl anytime soon);and the Miami Hurricanes. Somehow, he forgot to mention the Miami Heat-you know, the Miami franchise that actually OVERACHIEVED and did something in its leagues' respective playoff. Rocky then 'buried' the porous defense of The Fish,and exposed Jason Taylors' tendencies towards cheapness. Rocky relented and related that these people were his friends...but he has a SPECIAL friend backstage. No, I'm not talking about EVERY RAW DIVA, I'm talking 'bout EUGENE!!! WHEEEEEEEE!!! Rocky prepares to proceed to give Eugene the lowdown on that lowdown HHH, but then something wicked this way comes...in the form of Randy Orton.
Now, what happens next is somewhat...disturbing. You see, it is not often when one is privy to the complete humbling of a proud human being. Randy is good on the mic and one day he'll be great, but he has now learned what every other WWE Superstar has learned the HARD way: NO ONE CAN HOPE TO COMPETE WITH THE ROCK IN A VERBAL BATTLE ON ANY LEVEL, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. EVER. The things The Rock did to Randy in this verbal exchange were both mighty and dreadful at the same time; sad and hilarious in tandem...for The Rock laid the verbal smackdown on Randys' father. Then his mother. Then his GRANDPARENTS. And then, Randy himself, as Rocky exposed him as nothing more than a snot-nosed, sissified, My-Little-Pony playing, scrotum-finagling PUNK. There's not much more that I can say about this one, other than the fact that this was about the biggest squash I've seen since Big Van Vader was killing Pony Johnson on WCW Saturday Night.
Anywho, the two came to blows and Bisch had Rocky thrown out of the arena. However, nothing...AND I MEAN NOTHING...!...could possibly stop Rocky from putting over all that excess midcard talent...The Great One gets into a verbal skirmish with trishandtomko...and lower-midcard talent that doesn't get to see the light of day on Raw. You know who I'm talking about. After giving 'security' the what-for, he encounters the delightful Molly Holly backstage, and The Rock proceeded to light up her life and lift her spirits so high as to gaze down upon the heavens when he graced her with his presence. But then-in an act bereft of tact and maturity-The Rock...accidentally...removes...Mollys' wig. This was HILARIOUS, and I don't care what any of you people have to say about this if you couldn't dig this. He then runs into Grimace and The Hamburglar...oooops, I meant to say Rosey and The Hurricane (The R.J.L.A.=Raw Justice League of America). Rocky shows his philanthropic side by giving them a donut. I hope it wasn't Krispy Kreme...boy, do they make a nasty donut. He then proceeded to take the soul of The Coach. Rocky makes things happen, and he does it all. This didn't stop Randy from cutting him off, so The Rock continued to show how he gives...as he gave Randy a warning. Randy, of course, looked a gift horse in the mouth and then had the nerve to be surprised when Edge snuck up behind him and gave him a spear for his troubles.
Great skit, great stuff all around from ALL involved.
Backstage Angle: Bischoff and Chris Benoit...or maybe, I should call him Chris Ben-whine. Whining doesn't become a 'Rabid Wolverine', but that's all The Crippler did in this segment, whining to EZ-E about the ramifications of a Eugene/HHH match. It's done. Get over it, already!
Hey, look, it's a match, and in my opinion, it was the MATCH OF THE NIGHT, just based on the performance of ONE worker: The ertstwhile Trish Stratus. I know this column is supposed to put Molly over, but I have to be honest: Molly may be the better worker, but if I had to start a Women's Federation tomorrow I would take Trish Stratus first. And there would be no hesitation at all. She just-like The Rock-brings an energy to every match; she just oozes showmanship...simply put, Trish Stratus is the top draw when the WWE women are concerned...and there is a WIDE gap between numbers 1 and 2. And even with her stunning looks, nobody in the Raw locker room works harder. She brought herself up from when she was no better than Torrie or Stacy to where she is now: the pole star about which all the WWE women revolve. If every woman in the WWE followed Trishs' curve, then the entire Women's Division would be an actual draw. I cannot bring myself to say anything negative about this woman. Of course, if I had the chance to marry Molly or Trish I would be marrying Molly. With the quickness. Anywho, it is the Trish half of trishandtomko taking on Victoria as Trish defends her ill-got Women's Championship. The tomko half of trishandtomko was at ringside as Trishs' tirailleur, and his interference would prove key. Victoria still has her lame intro theme and lame entrance sequence. Ugggggh. She also seemed to be sluggish in this one, but three spots came to mind that made this match decent: One, where Trish lifted Victoria's 'booty-dance' and did it even better than Victoria (it helps to actually have a booty if you are going to do a booty-dance, Victoria!!!); two, when Victoria gave Trish a NASTY sidekick that caught her right on the chin, and three...when Victoria followed that up with a top-rope moonsault on the Canadian Beauty that hurt ME to watch. Owwww! Trish won with the handy-dandy quick rollup after some Tyson Tomko interference, and then trishandtomko proceeded to put the boots to Victoria...who was then saved by Steven Richards (???)...in drag.
It's the Raw Diva Search!!! You should check out Lance Storm's website to see what he thinks of all this.
Here we go...some footage 'explaining' HBK's extended absence, and it does a fair job of re-establishing Kane as a monster. Of course, semi-pushes that go nowhere will nullify whatever heat Kane draws in the future.
Backstage Angle: Regal and EZ-E, concerning Eugene. EZ-E repeats himself, and, by the way, Regal is back on the active roster...
...and he's got KANE!!! I don't think this match ever got started, as The Pestilence That Walks Like A Man made this crude affair short and sweet. Squish, squish...squash.
Even more Backstage Angles: Kane and EZ-E. Kane's got Ben-whine next week one-on-one for the World Heavyweight strap, and Kane, The King of Pain, lets EZ-E know that he's got a little...surprise...coming up later.
It's the Raw Diva Search...again!!!
Match # 2: Evolution on the Halfshell (Randy Orton and Batista) vs. Y2J and Edge. Batista's buildup as a monstrous unstoppable force continues, Randy and Edge continue to be stuck in mid-storyline and Y2J continues to be no-sold in angles that directly or indirectly involve HHH. Y2J also continues to hold a level of overness that would make a first-time-ever Raw viewer come to the conclusion that Y2J-not Chris Benoit-should be holding the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Randy went over after Batista hit Edge with a SIT-OUT POWERBOMB (Y2J got knocked 'out' after a huge CLOTHESLINE from Batista) and allowed the Legend-Killer to polish Edge off with an R.K.O. Nice stuff, especially with Orton's heel shtick to finish the match.
It's the Raw Diva Search...over and over!!!
Don't forget to smackdown your vote, and I must say...The Hurricane looks better than Victoria. I'm not gay, and may whatever god you worship bless you if you are, but I think it really needs to be said: Why is 'Cane wearing a mask? He's a good-looking guy. This is almost as bad as when Gailkim (as La Felina) had to work under a hood. The ladies would go nuts for Sugar Shane's sugar...if the WWE lets him ditch the mask. I think I may have said too much here.
Stacy runs into Matt. Matt is going to propose to Lita. Stacy says that Lita has no idea. So Lita doesn't know about that, and Matt doesn't know that Kane put a pounding on Lita's whitegirl ass. It's nice to know that these two really, really, really follow the storylines! Kidding.
HHH, Eugene, Ric Flair, and a limousine. This is one of those Scorsese moments that I cherish so much...I guess.
Matt has been ecstatic for a whole week. Matt's gonna PROPOSE. AWWWWW!!! He thinks Lita is inCREDibly faithful and aMAZingly virtuous, and as pure and innocent as the driven snow. He really thinks so. I'm gonna play mark here. I think Lita is a monkeywrench ho. Know why? She was going to accept this proposal from him, knowing that she may be carrying the seed of The Devil Himself? This angle went from okay, to lame, to lame-er, and then to just plain LAME as The Animate Darkness himself, Kane, turned everyone's smile upside-down and revealed the truth:Kane's sperm is top-notch, and he always hits his mark, even as he made Lita's sugar walls tumble down like Jericho. We're gonna have a barefoot and pregnant Extreme Diva soon, and in 9 months, we're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet...of KANE JR.s little feet. Pitter, patter. Pitter, patter.
Ahhhhhhhhh, yes...more Matt and Lita. You know what? Lita is a no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing monkeywrench ho, the way she slings her stuff all around town, turning tricks for every Tom, Dick and Harry in that Raw locker room (that was my mark moment. Please do not take that seriously!!!). Disgusting. Okay...let me get this straight: She 'loves' Matt. She lets Kane get his Ron Jeremy on, so that The Scowling Absence will stop beating Matt up every week. Lita learns that one of the two hit her sweet spot, and that in 9 months, the Extreme Diva is gonna come up fat. Then Matt (who should really call himself the 'Sensei of Stupid-tude', for not having ANY IDEA of what's going on here) decides that he is going to propose to his dear, sweet, loving and adorable aaaaaaaaaaaaangel Lita. And then Lita, despite not knowing who her baby's daddy is, is all smiles and all set to accept Matt's generous (if stupid) offer to husband and support Lita in all ways, in all things, for all time? Pshaw!!! You know what? That would make Matt Hardy Door-Matt Hardy. Get it together, man!!! This isn't the worst of it, though. Not by a long shot. You see, when you combine Lita's B-movie acting skills with THIS line:'the baby...might...be yours!' then you may begin to see that this angle isn't just bad. It's Reb Brown in 'Yor, The Hunter From The Future' bad, and that, my friends, is BAD.
'The baby...MIGHT...be yours!' These are the words that every guy wants to hear.
It's (still) the Raw Diva Search!!! You know, according to the hagakure, the end is important in all things...with the exception of the Raw Diva Search, for this apparently has no end. A winner hasn't even been chosen yet, and the Prospective Divas For Whom Raw Is Searching are STILL getting more airtime than any current WWE diva not named Trish, Torrie, or Lita.
HHH, Flair and Eugene...doing...something. I wasn't paying attention.