Exclusives | Columns | Arlando | Issue #5
The Package

(*Note: The Official Theme Song of Mollyopoly this week is 'Mascara' by The Deftones)

Monday Night Raw 5/3/2004 from America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ

Ahhh...America West Arena. Home to the NBA's Phoenix Suns...doubling not only as one of the leagues more overrated teams coming into this years' regular season, but also one of its more ridiculously dressed (those ugly orange road jerseys they wear make them look like they are literally wearing that NASTY Sunny Delight orange 'drink'). Sports and Arizona do not mix, what with the Suns walking in mud and the Arizona Cardinals shaming the NFL with their subpar play. Yeah, sure, the Diamondbacks won a World Series a couple years ago, but who cares? Sports and Arizona go together about as well as Truck Turner and a Grand Wizard of the KKK. But...how would sports entertainment fare in The Grand Canyon State?

Raw opened with a six-man tag, featuring Shelton Benjamin, Tajiri and Edge taking on Evolution (HHH, Batista and Randy Orton). Apparently, Batista has started paying some heed to the repeated requests of the WWE for him to start showing some charisma-his entrance featured a Batista much more animated than I've ever seen him to be. Batista is also built like a Greek god...he is INCREDIBLY swoll. Anyway, this was a good,solid contest as Evolution took turns isolating Edge and Tajiri for extended periods of time. Edge got the win at the end over Randy Orton via pinfall with his Spear (Randy was 'distracted' by trying to administer aid to the fallen Batista, who was 'misted' by Tajiri). This match featured some of my favorite WWE workers, like Orton, Shelton and Tajiri and they did not disappoint. HHH continues his recent trend of actually selling for other workers, Batista seems to be improving a slight bit( in the showmanship department), and Edge just did his Edge thing. Entertaining stuff from all the participants.

Commercial break. Oh, GREAT. The PS2 FINALLY comes out with a Transformers game, and it has to be that lame Transformers Armada flotsam? Oh, Van Damnit. Just my (non) luck. It looks good and all, but if I'm gonna go out and buy a Transformers game, I've got to have the old-school Soundwave (with all of his tapes), Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Starscream, The Stunticons, The Insecticons...THE PREDACONS!!! C'mon!

I've gotta have Galvatron, Cyclonus, Scourge-and all his Sweps!!! You think you can get THAT kind of action with Transformers:Armada? You're wrong. You can't.

Black Jesus, this is SO disappointing.

That wacky duo, Coach 'n' Cade are backstage, talking much head about Arizona's women.They don't shave, and they are only hot if it happens to be a hot day out. Okay. That's a good, clean way to get cheap heel heat...and they got jussssst a tidbit. Jussssst a smidgeon. It took the dramatic appearance of Vince McMahon to save these two from themselves, as he put over the World Heavyweight Champion and the challenger (Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels, respectively)...and promptly left Coach 'n' Cade slack-jawed, dumbfounded and-most importantly-SILENT.

(*Note: I cut on The Coach here, but not because I dismiss his talents. I dig him as an announcer. I think he should be the play-by-play guy on RAW, and if not Raw, then definitely Heat. I just don't care at all for him in his current role as manager. )

Evolution is backstage, reading Bischoff the riot act. A HHH with a particularly bad case of Jack Palance Complex (boy, was his voice hoarse and gravelly!) is asking questions and demanding answers. He's wasting his time with Shelton Benjamin...he SHOULD be wrestling for the WWE World Heavyweight strap. Batista is livid and he DEMANDS a match with Tajiri next week. Randy Orton proclaims that the cheap shots must stop. Johnny Nitro comes in amongst all this hullaballoo and informs Easy E. that Vince has entered the building. This makes Bischoff happy, and he proceeds then to make Evolution happy by giving HHH his one-on-one match with Shelton Benjamin. Batista is presented with a one-on-one match with Tajiri. And lastly, The Living Legen...oooops!!! (I better NOT finish that, Larry Zybyszko is AWFULLY litigious on any and all matters concerning that moniker)...I mean the Legend-Killer Randy Orton is given Edge on a silver platter...one-on-one...next week!!! Unfortunately, Randy seems to be somewhat...unhappy...regarding this announcement, and looks upon his Intercontinental Championship with mucho trepidation.

Every Raw has its patented 'Throwaway Match of The Night' (TMTN)and this Raw was no different. Rob Conway (with Sylvain Grenier) sets to work this particular TMTN with the one guy on Raw most apt to work a TMTN: The Hurricane (with Rosey). I don't mean this as a slight;I loved Sugar Shane Helms. I loved The early Hurricane vignettes (and stuff like that usually isn't over with me at all). And most of all, I loved the greatest finishing move EVER: The VERTEBREAKER!!! It just now seems that Sweet Sweet Sugar Shanes' lot in life for the moment is to work TMTNs. In any case, two workers the caliber of 'Cane and Rob Conway (I know he's somewhat green, but I think he's good enough to where 'Cane could carry him to a decent match. Of course, it could be that Conway is more DISGRUNTLED and LOW in MORALE than green, seeing the silly gimmick he has strapped to his back) managed to craft a match that failed on many levels. It failed to inspire, failed to entertain and just flat-out failed to impress as Rob Conway pinned 'Cane CLEANLY...I repeat, pinned 'Cane CLEANLY following a snap-slam off the ropes and Mr. Conway then proceeded to cut a promo wherein he set about the dubious process of threatening a 'special' person with a 'special' beating. Boy,that Eugene is sure gonna get his when Rob Conway does the job for him next week on Raw!!!

By the way, Conways' heel promo drew NO HEAT WHATSOEVER, and I don't think that is a reflection so much on him as the HORRIBLE GIMMICK the WWE has currently saddled him with that has produced nothing but indifference and apathy from WWE fans as concerns Rob Conway. What a shame.

Recap of last weeks' 'tryst' featuring Kane and Lita. Kane said he 'hungered' for a sacrifice, but Kane was REALLY hungry for some of that BOO-TAY that Lita shakes on occassion and simply acted on the impulse to which his bestial nature is bound. Kane acted on his all-consuming lust for Lita's sweet, sweet sugar; her strong feminine scent that Kane cannot ignore; the sway in her hips and the jiggle of her breasts that puts the the tang in poontang for Kane. His desire to lay Lita low (or, to just lay Lita) in the filth and muck and slime that Kane has embraced is all consuming.

Now, this angle is sorta okay-I guess-and hopefully all involved will benefit from it in the end. Kane is a poor man's Francis Dolarhyde (the main heel in 'Red Dragon'-a really good movie...just not as good as 'Silence of the Lambs' and I'm just waiting for Kane to one day say, 'You owe me AWE'), and he is playing the role of the sick,leering, soulless heel pervert as well as anybody can. Anyway, Kane hits the ring to face-off against...Steven Richards.

This is NOW a new feature of 'Mollyopoly' that I will address every week until Glenn Jacobs comes to his senses and changes his intro theme. He has no choice, no option, but to come out to SOMETHING COOL. Until that happy day occurs, I'm gonna call this feature 'Hey, Your Intro-Theme Sucks (HYITS).'

'Slow Chemical' (Finger Eleven), this...this is no good. I've already suggested Tools' 'Intolerance' and 'Stinkfist' and 'Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills' by Pantera. Here's another Tool suggestion: 'Third Eye.' Come out to that, Kane, hell-even 'Welcome Home(Sanitarium)' from Metallica, and you'll prove yourself the best EVER. But you could come out to 'Bambi' by Prince, and you would still pull that off. Why? Because 'Slow Chemical' and Finger Eleven SUCK. C'mon!!! 'The wonder OF the world is gone, I know for sure, all the wonder that I WANT I've found in her...' all sung in a long, protracted whine. Enough, already. This is unacceptable.

What happened to Steven Richards? If you have to ask, there's no point in answering...but I will, nonetheless. 53. 53 seconds. 53...seconds. That's all it took for Kane to put the wurst in bratwurst and hang a world-class thrashing on Stevie Night Heats' beaten,broken ass. And that 0:53 included Kanes' intro. Take into account now that Steven Richards is in some of the best shape of his life...and this is what he is busting his ass for. Fifty-three seconds.

Want to know more? Ain't no more to tell.

Commercial break for 'The WWE Experience.' This is ONE thing that 'Slow Chemical' is CLEARLY better than: another WWE recap show. At least Ivory gets to be seen and heard every week. This shouldn't blind anyone to the fact, though, that 'The Experience' is simply what would happen if 'Confidential' and 'Bottom Line' were to EVER have a baby.

Next up, it's The Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, the one, true Paragon of Virtue, our party host Chris Jericho!!! YAYYYY!!! Raw's ratings just went UP, and Y2J-just as he always does-sees fit to entertain my soul and coddle my spirit. Jericho has spoiled me for all other WWE Superstars not named Molly. Anyways, Y2J sows the seeds for his (rumoured) upcoming program with Chris Benoit by proclaiming HIMSELF the next challenger for the World Heavyweight strap and brings out Matt Hardy to kick off this weeks edition of 'The Highlight Reel.'

It should be noted that these two guys' intro themes ROCK. I've known for a long time that Veee-One-aahhhhh!!! could slap a tornado AND dry up a sea...but only-ONLY-when he lives for the moment. His cool-ass intro proves this. Anyhow, Matt believes in Karma. Matt isn't afraid of pain. He tells Y2J that he is only human (cue up The Human League, 'Human',right now) and that a man has to rectify his mistakes. He's not here to talk about anything but Lita, and he calls her out to the ring...repeatedly. She's not coming out. Where, oh WHERE is Lita?

Well, she's backstage in what looks to be a boiler-room. She tells Matt that she never loved him. She's found someone else. She never wants to see him again. She needs for Matt Hardy to go away. She then breaks down and screams for Matt to find her, to save her...as the Pestilence that Walks Like A Man, Kane,enters the fray and turns everybodys' smile upside-down and informs The X-Treme Diva that she should NOT have done that. He also leers into the camera. Matt then proceeds to 'do the right thing' and scoots off to the backstage area to find her.

At this juncture, I want to point out two things. One, I've never been a big fan of Lita before, but I'm starting to warm up to her (why am I consistently drawn to talent that is undepushed and/or in the doghouse?)...she seems a little older and more filled out and looks much better-to me at least- than before. Point two-what in the hell kind of babyface is Y2J? I'm gonna descend into 'mark-mode' here. A REAL man would've followed V-1 down into the boiler room to extract Lita from the clutches of evil. But that's why I LIKE Chris Jericho. That's YOUR chick, Matt. YOU go rescue her, you sonofa..!

It should be noted that while Lita is not a particularly good actress, she IS at least as good as Kari Wuhrer.And Sean Young.And Shanelle Workman, who used to play 'Flash' on the soap opera 'One Life to Live.' (However, Shanelle took cuteness into a whole 'nother stratosphere;indeed, her physical marvels shame your average woman-like, oh, let's say Jessica Simpson and Trish Stratus. I, therefore,don't much hold with jackasses who insult the once and former Flash. I don't cotton to morons who don't-or won't-be honest with themselves and bathe themselves in the glory and majesty that only women like Shanelle could possibly hope to possess). So when and if a sequel to 'Eight-Legged Freaks' ever comes out, Lita should be in it. Of course, I couldn't watch it because I'm phobic as regards all insects and arachnids...aaaaannnd, I'm sure a sequel to 'Eight-Legged Freaks' would be just as bad-if not worse-than the original.

Y2J is shocked and appalled, what with all this tomfoolery and goings-on ocurring in Phoenix tonight. Y2J is also about to be TOAST on top of ALL that, because kick-ass intro theme #3 of the night cues up...and Christian, Trish and Tyson Tomko make their way out to address Chris Jericho...personally. The party is just getting started. Y2J couldv'e just walked away...but he touched Christian and then he touched his angel, Trish, and now SOMEBODY gots to pay. Y2J has made himself into a problem, so now...enter...the Problem-Solver!!! Tyson Tomko storms the ring and Y2J holds his own until Christian follows suit and the tables are horribly turned on Mr. Jericho. Tomko hits a BIG choke lift on Jericho-prefaced by a stiff kick from the once and former Bane-and Christian gives The Ayatollah a few knuckle-sandwiches. Trish then hits a big low-blow on Chris and his sugar-walls tumble down like Jericho. Christian hits a no-nonsense UnPrettier on Jericho, poses over him, and the heel trio achieves the desired objective of drawing truckloads and truckloads of heaping heel heat. Chris and Christian apparently have a LOT of say insofar as how this feud is going to go, and it shows. I know this column is named for Molly Holly-I'm obligated to put her over (and I will)-but the C-Men are, literally, the 'Highlights of the Night.' You don't think so? You can go STRAIGHT to hell...because you're WRONG. If you are not down for this feud, then odds are that you hate your mother and wish her dead and you kick the hell out of pregnant women and old people.

Backstage, Matt finds Lita, they hug, Lita is scared, and nothing happens. Waited for Kane to come out and show everyone what a talented proctologist he is, but Kane didn't show. Way to pick your spot, you nut!!!


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