Tool, Barry Bonds,The Detroit Pistons & Molly Holly: Separated at birth? You decide!!!
(*Note: The theme music for Mollyopoly # 9 is 'Gold Dust Woman' from Fleetwood Macs' album circa 1977 entitled 'Rumours' .If you don't like this selection, then it doesn't like you back)
Before I get started, Lance Storm has a REALLY good article on his website about people using wrestlers' real names. For wrestlers, the public use of their real names is disrepectful, because when they make public appearances, they are using their WRESTLING names-their Professional Public names. I can't argue with this...he's right. Absolutely right. So I apologize for the previous use of any workers real name, and will not do so in the future. From here on out, I will refer to Molly Holly only as Molly Holly, and not by her real name.
ENGINE, ENGINE, NUMBER 9...
What's better than 'rasslin? The Detroit Pistons, baby!!! Boy, it's something...it's really something to see how the Bad Boys, V.2, just up and dismantled and embarrassed the L.A. Lakers, and made smug Laker fans hang their heads in shame...the small percentage of Laker 'fans' who actually ARE REAL Laker fans. I've waited ever since the 1988-89 season for the Pistons to remind the NBA what team play and defense are all about. This is, in fact, the second Laker 'Dynasty' Detroit has ended, so it's all giggles and good cheer for me just now. And again...for the media, for all you Laker 'fans' out there who don't know anything about basketball and wrote Detroit off before the championship series even started...kiss off! Okay? Bye bye!!! I'm not talking about the REAL Laker fans...I would never dog someone who has been following his/her team for years...well, not for very long, at least. Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher deserve credit for showing class throughout this series and throughout their L.A. careers...the Lakers just ran into a better team.
(I was originally going to start it off by saying 'what's better than Dayton, Ohio...' but one of the Nora-World webbies lives in Ohio, so I elected to chill on chastising her state)
Now...Mollyopoly # 7and 8 saw the enforcement-the long-overdue enforcement, I might add-of the 'No-Molly No-Raw-Report Rule' (NMNRRR). Now, of course, if Molly is working Raw-whether she goes over or not-I will relent and report on Raw. And if she isn't...well...you've seen. You've seen what happens. So let's see...am I gonna report on Raw this week?
Molly WAS on Raw, sooooooo...let the Raw report begin!!!
I'M CALLIN' YOU OUT!!!
(Before the Raw report begins, however, just let me openly state that the next time I feel the compulsion to enforce the NMNRRR, I will of course return to the 'Building the Perfect Molly' format. I also want to include your input, if you are willing. So if you have any suggestions, ideas, etc. the next time the NMNRRR has to be implemented, let me know and I will happily credit you. I haven't run out of ideas, I just want to include some of you guys)
I'M DONE CALLIN' YOU OUT!!!
MONDAY NIGHT RAW: 6/14/2004 LIVE from DAYTON, OHIO
Raw opened with a promo segment with Bisch and an apparently pissed-off Kane. Why is Kane mad? Is it because he lost in his bid for the WWE World Heavyweight Title at Bad Blood? Is it because Bisch has apparently named somebody else # 1 contender? Orrrrrr...is it because Bisch had the audacity to call Kane a...a...a...professional? EGADS! Forget Easy E's smile...Kane turned his WHOLE OFFICE upside-down and Bisch wet himself and ran away...leaving The Pestilence That Walks Like A Man alone with his thoughts-and his chest acne.
Good Ole' J.R. spent the next segment putting over the Hell in A Cell match between HHH and HBK at Bad Blood, and he respectfully calls on them both to come out, shake hands, show some respect and dissolve their fued. HBK comes out first, with a bandaged hand, and then HHH-who actually won the match-came out looking like he was on one of those Discovery Channel Chased by Dinosaurs specials...and just couldn't run fast enough to escape that mean old Carcharodontosaurus saharicus. Boy, he looked beat up. After some warm words from J.R. and one of those uncomfortable silences that the kids love so much nowadays, HBK extended his hand...but HHH was hesitant to accept. So Kane came out and showed the two men how he feels about friendships that devolve into long, boring filibusters, and gave HBK a big boot. He did all this after Bisch ran down to the ring to do...something. Kane then confronted HHH, who thought better of the situation and opted to simply leave The Boy Toy to the tender 'mercies' of Kane, who then proceeded to put the wurst in bratwurst and pillmanize HBK and give him a good on-air excuse to spend some time with his (expectant) wife. All of this proves two things...one, Kane is a monster, true, but he is a monster who puts family first. It also proves that HBK should be the poster boy for the very next Troma film, what with the way he was spitting up 'blood'. This slightly overdone angle culminates with HBK being stretchered out and loaded onto an ambulance. Not bad. If you are going to do an angle to explain why someone is going to be off of T.V. for awhile, I would rather it be overdone. Cut to commercial.
(*Just for the record, while I am usually up for anything dinosaur-related produced by the Discovery Channel,their fairly recent effort 'Dinosaur Planet' was sub-par. VERY sub-par. It had its good points-the four-part series focused mainly on the Maniraptora, the Titanosauria and the Abelisauria-but there were too many glaring errors involving genera mis-identification, and just general silliness that killed it for me. What about the dinosaur faunas of northern Africa during the early Cretaceous? How come none of these specials give nothing more than cursory attention to Thyreophorans in general and the Ankylosauria in particular? How about a Gregory S. Paul-inspired view of the Tyrannosauria in future efforts? What about the Spinosauria? The Therizinosauria??? Come on! Also...no more Christian Slater. Ever. Please.)
We're back...and this is the longest 'sell the fact that this worker is injured by loading him on a stretcher and taking him to an ambulance' angle ever. Cut to commercial.
I know damn well that you ALL want the hi-lights from the WWE Women's Championship Fatal Four-Way at Bad Blood. Trish won by rolling up Lita. The roll-up is easily the most devastating finisher since the F-5...greats like Gotch and Kinisky stood fearful and terrified before the awesome power of the quick roll-up. I honestly wonder why the roll-up is so prevalent in women's matches, and matches in general these days...but anyway, Trish went over, and that brings us toooooooo...
Trish and Tomko (Wow, does that have a ring to it. From now on, when I refer to these two, I'm gonna make their names one big word: trishandtomko. Trishandtomko. And of course, when Christian returns, I can call them christiantrishandtomko. Sounds like something you would get by sodomizing a fish.) vs. Matt and Lita. Trish is one hell of a heel...she is really just letting it all hang out (!?!), with the mannerisms and her facial expressions. The cocky 'Matrix' spot was cool. The Tomko in trishandtomko on the other hand, wasn't so good. I heard he and Jericho had a good match at Bad Blood. You wouldn't have noticed it tonight...slippin' and trippin' while tryin' to give V.1 a whippin', and he botched the 'reverse the springboard body splash' spot. Hopefully, this was just an off-night. Trish was far and away the money in this match-with that said, mattandlita defeated trishandtomko when Lita reversed a Stratusfaction attempt and hit Trish with her Style-Points DDT.
'Smarm Delivery for Eric Bischoff'. It's another one of those Easy-E/HHH promo segments that the kids all love these days! HHH swaggers in and makes a snide heel remark about HBK and wants to know about the # 1 contender slot. Well, EZ-E can't just put HHH in that slot, because...because...well, who knows why. It's wrestling!!! EZ-E wants to effect a drubbing, and here goes: The # 1 slot belongs to The Game if HHH can defeat the man who embarrassed Kane on Raw: Eugene!!! EZ-E gave HHH his marching orders, and he also gave him a liscence to MAIM. Poor ole' Eugene.
Apparently Spike TV and the WWE learned that I don't watch Joe Schmo, and tried their hardest to advertise to my exploitable, impressionable and just-plain easy-to-please demographic by giving us a LONG, TOILING, TIRING, IRRITATING 'Joe Schmo 2' promotional segment. Long. Long. Long. I would rather watch Willem Dafoe and Corey Feldman eat a bowl of chicken-fried squid eyes. No more.
WWE TAG TEAM FLAG MATCH: La Resistance vs. The R.J.L.A. (Raw Justice League of America. Rosey and Hurricane need a superhero name to go with their superhero gimmick). Some of you may be wondering: 'what EXACTLY is a flag match?' Well, it's non-title;both teams have a flag representing their country of birth (or in the now Robaire Conways' case, your adopted homeland);and the winning team gets to sing (butcher) their countrys' national anthem. Well, La Resistance won, and Sylvain made his heartfelt-albeit late-pitch to WB Superstar: SYLVAIN GRENIER SHOULD'VE WON, not Jamie and her breasts. Sylvains' rendition of the Canadian National Anthem should be outlawed globally...Sylvain could get the Death Penalty for singing that song in George W. Bushs' old Texas stomping grounds (if you haven't already, go look up his record as far as executions go when he was the governor of that state), and he would deserve it. God, I'm not a praying man, but if you can hear me, please:STOP SYLVAIN GRENIER FROM EVER SINGING AGAIN!!!
The (busty) Lita decides to turn in for the night with a good book...and a home pregnancy test (?!?)
THE HIGHLIGHT REEL with CHRIS JERICHO: Tonight's guest...Eugene (w/William Regal). I have a perpetual bone to pick with HHH...and this promo, this whole edition of Raw is the reason why. HHH HAS TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING. He's aligned with-hell, he LEADS the white-hot heel stable Evolution. He is woven into angles involving Shelton Benjamin, Edge, Chris Benoit, Tajiri, Y2J, Bischoff and Kane. He cuts the longest promos on Raw. He is a main-eventer, and has been for years. He no-sold Goldberg. He spurned SD. His classic fued with HBK lasted forever, and completely overshadowed the World Heavyweight Champion. Anybody notice how all of a sudden, Benoit and his belt are important again,and only because HHH wants the title? There's no coincidence here. HHH has all of this...and now, he wants to draw some more heat by getting into a program with Eugene? Where does this end? I know HHH sits in a lot when they come up with what they are going to do on T.V. I know this because he has said so repeatedly. Now, come on...there is no midcarder on the show who would have benefited more from this than HHH? Really. Think. There is NO ONE ELSE ON RAW WHO COULD HAVE USED THIS MORE THAN HHH? The WWE, where it matters, is starting to look eerily similar to the way WCW looked...at the end. Anyway, HHH is now Eugene's 'friend', he has threatened both Regal and Jericho, and once AGAIN, HHH has set out to make sure that he can piss on Jericho's parade whenever possible. It is no coincidence that Jericho has never beaten HHH one-on-one. This is the other big reason why I dislike HHH. He no-sold Jericho's Undisputed Title run, he stole Jericho's angle with Stone Cold and Bischoff at last years' Survivor Series and no-sold his involvement in the angle, and this is just the RECENT stuff. Anyhow, Eugene's favorite Y2J moment is when Jericho, ummmm...peed in William Regal's teacup, and Regal (unwittingly) drank the offending brew. Eugene liked this SOOOOO much, that he tried it again. URINE!!! Funny! Funny! What's next...that Rico/Charlie Haas/Miss Jackie 'golden shower' angle that I've been waiting for? What about Shane McMahon and Scott Steiner playing a friendly game of salad-toss? And what about that angle where A-Train finally reveals his long-standing love for dendrophilia? Come on! I've been WAITING for so long!!!
It's a big Raw locker room, but apparently only Lita has elbow pads. Stacy bumps into the Extreme Diva herself while looking for the elbow pads, and is informed by Lita that she is, indeed, pregnant. Stacy showed us all JUST HOW BLONDE SHE IS while she kept jabbering on as Lita looked obviously uncertain about what she had found out. I also want to inform you all that the father is, in fact, Isaac Yankem,D.D.S., and I am very sure that this bit of T.V. is being written by Stephanie McMahon. It HURTS just like T.V. written by Steph oughtta. I have to say this to the WWE: Thanks. Thanks for NOT pushing Molly Holly harder. I actually mean it this time. You see, if the WWE pushed Molly harder, she would be a lot more over, and the WWE might've felt the need to push her as a face. Let's say she somehow becomes extremely popular overnight, and somehow rivals Lita in popularity. The WWE might've seen fit to put Molly in this angle carrying The Big, Bald Nazi's seed...and I would definitely NOT be watching WWE programming anymore. Shudder! Chilling, ain't it? This brings us toooooo...