RANDY ORTON: There are a lot of people on the Internet that do not like this guy. There are a lot of people who are unimpressed by his work, and resentful towards his mega-push. I am not one of them. So he is still a little unpolished. So what? He is THIS good at this young age. Don't like his push? You're wrong. This guy is money, this guy is must-see T.V., this guy will be one of the standards in the WWE that all others are measured against. He has already surpassed HHH in the entertainment department. He is right up there with Christian in this department: He is the BEST HEEL ON RAW. You just LOVE to hate this guy, and for that, Randy Orton rocks, he rolls...and he takes a toll. Make Mine Randy!!!
KANE: Boy, how different would people's opinions of this guy be if he were on a show working with guys that could work with him? He is tremendous on the mic, his Big, Bald Nazi look works for him, and when motivated, he may just be the most talented big man left on the WWE roster. Of course, his intro theme still sucks, so Kane..? Please. 'Daddy' from Korn. Kick Finger Eleven to the curb. Kane still inspires a long list of superlatives ('Kane...the pestilence that walks like a man...Kane...and the citadel of power that he represents...Kane...the living darkness...Kane...the Devil himself...Kane...The Moral of Misery...Kane...the Scowling Abscence...Kane...the Arbiter of Filth...Kane...The Man Made of Naphthalene') and Kane still rocks!
RHYNO: For those of us that still remember this man's ECW run, his WWE run so far has turned out to be a GREAT disappointment...through no fault of his. He is a decent interview, he is intense, he is good enough on the mat to work with almost everybody on the Raw roster...how come HE'S not working with Kane? People should stop imitating the finish that he and Goldberg made famous. The Gore rules...just like Rhyno.
MATT HARDY: I got the sense that The Sensei of Mattitude was ready to become the Christian of SmackDown about a year or so ago. I got the sense that he was ready to become the pre-eminent force on the heel end of the middle of the SD card. But then, he got sent to Raw-where dreams go to die-and MF'ers all around the world had to realize something: Matt is not 7-foot, and the good times were all over. So, here you go. The man with the second best intro-theme, the best Titantron, one of the best finishes, and a guy who put a ton of thought and care into crafting his character is a lower-midcarder on Raw. Well, no matt-er (pun intended). I still love Veeeeee-one-Aaahhhhhhhh!!! Matt Hardy rules!!!
LA RESISTANCE: These guys are starting to put it all together now. La Resistance is one of the high-points of my Raw week. Everyone's favorite pair of tirailleurs has a really good chance to shine now...seeing as how they are the only real tag-team on Raw. How do I feel about the current state of tag-team wrestling in the WWE? Pis aller! This is the worst. But not La Resistance. Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier RULE. La Resistance, par excellence!!!
JONATHAN COACHMAN: A really strong heel personality, with strong promo skills. The Coach is also one of the few guys in the WWE who TRIES to be funny and actually IS funny. I would like to see him as a full-time commentator, but until that happy day arrives, The Coachs' heel presence RULES. Perhaps if he continues on this current path, some may mention him in the same breath as Don Callis one day. Make Mine Coachman!!!
GAIL KIM: Okay, I dog her pretty hard at times. I still say she's a little sloppy. Not as often as she used to, but sometimes, she still dips into her bag of sloppy tricks and pulls out something unacceptable. However, in her match with Lita, she had a LOT of help in the sloppy department. As a matter of fact, she is now one of the LEAST sloppy female workers in the WWE. It's not an insult. Trish Stratus used to be VERY sloppy, but look at her now. With that said, I ride her so hard (!!!) because I can see this key fact: GAIL KIM IS POTENTIALLY THE BEST FEMALE WORKER IN THE WWE. When she puts it all together, then the best-looking Diva in the WWE (What? Best-looking? Yes, she is. Even better than Molly? NO. Molly is not a Diva. She is the Anti-Diva...and is so much the better for it) will come to govern over the Women's Division. Keep coming with those submission moves, and keep improving. So there. That is why I consistently get on Gail's case. Greatness-potential or realized-has to be judged differently. And harshly. I love Molly to death, but high tide raises all ships, and a higher quality of people for her to work with, the better...even if one day, they may be better than her. Gail Kim is hot, Gail Kim is sexy, Gail Kim is talented and GAIL KIM ROCKS!!!
VICTORIA: I won't repeat myself too much from Mollyopoly # 7. Vicky is talented, and has some cool moves in her arsenal. She also has a strong look. Notice that I did not say that she looked GOOD. From the neck up, she does NOT. But I digress. The HEEL Victoria Rocks, Rolls, and takes her Toll!!! But Victoria-heel or face-works hard, works well, and wears it well. But here is where I take it back. That lame 'Rhythym Nation 1814'-inspired dance routine Vicky USED to perform before her matches (the WWE has officially dropped it. YAY!!!) WAS HER OWN IDEA. Uggghh. Lack of common sense aside, Victoria Rules!
MOLLY HOLLY: These last couple of columns were pretty devoted to her, so this would be unfair, wouldn't it? Who Cares! Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Molly Holly looks better than you, and in a fight-fair or otherwise-she would make you scream. This is not an attempt to be mean-spirited. This is not a slight. Molly is simply...better...than you two. Why, people like Jodie Foster and Catherine Zeta-Jones agree with me wholeheartedly when I say that Molly looks better than they do, and they accept it all, because this is the truth...the most cogent factor in my argument being that it IS the truth. There are some ladies that can make a spirited run at Molly in the attractive department, like Carmen Electra, Nicole Ari Parker and Thora Birch. Well, Molly gets the nod over Carmen because Carmen can't do anything BUT look good. Why exactly is Carmen Electra a star? Molly also gets the nod over Thora Birch, because Thora only looked good in Ghost World...when she was overweight AND bespectacled. I love it all. Molly gets the nod over Nicole Ari Parker because...because...damnit, I don't know why. Well, lookee there...I just stumbled across a woman that looks better than Molly and a lady that is also talented. Sorry, Nora. Anyway, Molly knew that she still had the ace in the hole, so she put her WWE I'm Better Than You Title up against Carmen Electra, Jennifer Love Hewitt,Nicole Ari Parker, Thora Birch and J.Lo in a Six-Pack Challenge. Let's just say that there was a lot of screaming and crying from a lot of women NOT named Molly in this one. Molly beat their asses and showed them all what a good proctologist she is even as she was clubbing them about the ears and face...but doing so in the respectful, Molly Holly manner. Molly won by forcing them all to tap out to Brock Lesnars' version of the Stretch-Muffler, and slapped a naked choke on Ben Affleck when he tried to run in on J.Lo's behalf with a steel-chair. Before he passed out, Mr. Affleck was heard saying that 'Molly is the REAL Women's Champion, and the best female wrestler in the WWE. She has done Dean Malenko proud, and carries herself with such a reverence for the ideals of pride and dignity that the very spirit of competition itself would thrive and flourish under a protracted rule from the one that men have called Molly.'
Molly also made Ben and J.Lo publicly apologize for that HORRIBLE movie 'Gigli.' Molly wrestles, she brawls, SHE DOES IT ALL!!! Molly Rules!
Speaking of Gail Kim, I don't understand why they originally billed a one-on-one PPV match between Gail and Victoria at Bad Blood, if all they were going to do is yank the rug out from under them and turn it into a fatal four-way with Trish and Lita entering the fray. Wait a minute, I DO understand why the WWE would do that. The WWE doesn't care about the Women's Division! Now I remember! Perhaps the WWE didn't think Gail/Vicky could carry a PPV match by themselves. Other than Orton vs. Benjamin and La Res vs. Benoit/Edge, Gail vs. Vicky was-to me, at least-the most intriguing matchup. But I guess we'll see what happens. Of course, the presence of Trish and Lita could elevate BOTH Gail and Victoria...if, of course, either Vicky or Gail wins the match. Trish is WAY above the belt at this point. She does NOT need it. Lita could use it, but not just now...especially when she has a program going with Kane/Matt. Those who buy WWE PPV's will see what happens.
I want to think that Kane vs. Benoit can be interesting, but I will reserve judgment on this one. I have only seen two WWE workers since Kane's first apperance that can have a great match with him...Kurt Angle and The Rock. Kurt really got the most out of him, and Rocky was the only guy who sold Kane as an absolute MONSTER. I can't say anything bad about a guy who would let Kane-on television, no less- NO-SELL ALL 2 OF YOUR FINISHING MOVES 3 DIFFERENT TIMES IN THE SAME MATCH and then HAVE KANE GO OVER CLEANLY...AS A HEEL...AND WOULD STILL WORK HARD FOR THE WHOLE MATCH!!! God bless The Rock, and God bless Kurt Angle for making Kane look good every time they work with him.
(ANOTHER) WAKE-UP CALL TO WWE VIEWERS: WHY I DON'T WATCH SMACKDOWN
I said it in originally in Mollyopoly # 3 ('Breaking Point') that the elements of racism in regards to some of the SD angles escalate with time. I was correct. John Bradshaw Layfield apparently thinks evoking the memories of Adolf Hitler is a really good, cool way to get heel heat. Oh, it drew heat. LEGITIMATE HEAT, as in 'let's encourage German officials to prosecute JBL' heat. Oh, yeah, the Nazi salute is ILLEGAL in Germany. Even foreigners can be punished for doing this salute. And I hope German law does whatever it deems appropriate to JBL if they choose to pursue this. This is just one of the reasons why very few among the SD workers LIKE JOHN VERY MUCH. And, JOHN, this is JUST ONE of the reasons why the rest of the world HATES US SO MUCH. Because too many of us, JOHN, are in fact, the living definition of the 'Ugly American.' Germany (and the rest of the world, for that matter),JOHN, has forgotten more about legitimate suffering-pain,suffering and hardship-than America will ever know. At some point, JOHN,arrogant America will have to realize that. But as long as the Office sees fit to push JBL to the moon, then I will REFUSE to WATCH SD. When JBL's push stops, then I MIGHT watch it again. But not before. Forget Raw, Vince McMahon can go STRAIGHT to HELL for shoving JBL down our throats. Last I heard, JBL got released from his CNBC gig, and was reprimanded in some way by the WWE. Gold star for him.
Ridiculous.
Oh, I said a while back that I was gonna give the WWE a month to impress me with Eugene. It's been over a month. I'm not impressed. It is angles like this that make it hard for the average fan to describe wrestling to someone who doesn't watch at all, and try to explain to them that wrestling isn't STUPID.
PART TWO: (STILL) BUILDING THE PERFECT MOLLY...THE PORTION OF THE COLUMN THAT PUTS THE MOLLY in MOLLYOPOLY
(*Theme music? Don't EVER leave home without it. The theme music for 'The Molly Holly Portion of Mollyopoly is 'Boy in The Bubble' from Paul Simon's 'Graceland' album)
(*Disclaimer. This is the creative portion of the column. Here I will discuss things I would like to see with Molly, my interpretations of her character, and will generally expose myself as a BLATANT mark. If you find this negative-in any way-then you are wrong)
Firstly, I want to give a shout-out to the Powers-That-Be at Nora-World.Org for their choice for the new picture of the week. The (Truly) Bald Molly is as cute as a button. The Ms. Clean look worked. It worked for her, damnit!
Damn, she's cute!!!
Which brings me to this. I know the word 'hot' comes up a lot in these circles in reference to Nora Greenwald and her physical appearance, and I have used that word too, but I am not so sure the word 'hot' is really accurate here. Nora is more cute than anything else, and does so without a lot of classically 'beautiful' attributes. She is wide of hip, stout of rump, short of arm, she has a strong, strong jawline, a prominent proboscis and beady little eyes that make her look like she is half-awake sometimes. Taken separately, all of these features might not look so good. All put together on Nora, however, and well...it is just all so delightful. It is Nora's 'imperfections' that make her interesting...think about it. Almost every physical attribute she possesses runs CONTRARY to accepted norms of physical appearance in western society today. We want our women to starve themselves, to maintain a constant state of male-designated 'perfection'. We want our women to undergo plastic surgery, cosmetic surgery, all so that they can seduce and titillate 24 hours a day. We all want our women TO BE PERFECT...even if they suffer immensely and intensely in the execution of this 'perfection'. Nora is pretty far from perfect-we all are-but she is way out in front of so many women in the entertainment world just based on the fact that she seems so comfortable in her own skin...so comfortable, it seems, just being herself.
Being comfortable being yourself. Are there very many greater compliments than that that you can give someone? I'm sure everyday isn't peaches and cream for Nora in this sense...I'm sure she has her good and bad days. But we all do. On that note, be informed: I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT NORA GREENWALD'S PHYSICAL APPEARANCE ANYMORE UNTIL THE 12/27/2004 RAW. It's the last Raw of the year, and I personally feel that there is so much more to Nora than just her looks. I talked... now we'll see if I can walk the walk.
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