Orton Video Angle:Nothing-not even the weird faces that Edge makes-can get the I-C strap off of Randy Orton. Orton is bullet-proof, he swats bullets away like gnats, and he'll swat Edge away,too...AFTER they have some great matches.
Evolution Promo:I'm not going to go much into this, because when you've heard one Evolution promo, you've heard EVERY Evolution promo. Anyway,I KNOW that I'm not the only one who heard Ric Flair say the word 'Jap'. Want to know how offensive that word is to someone of Japanese descent (I know...I've LIVED there for 4 years)? Try walking up to a Japanese person and saying THAT WORD to him. Classy stuff, Ric. He hates it when internet writers dare to use wrestling terminology, but inflammatory, degrading pejoratives? It's all apparently FAIR GAME to ole' Naitch. Bischoff showed up and kissed HHH's ass.
I love Chris Jericho. Always have, always will. In fact, just about the only thing that would change that would be if I were to find out that Y2J hates muslims, likes babies...OR if he ever comes out and says that Fozzy is a better band than Tool. That would squash my appreciation of all things Jericho in a heartbeat. Fozzy...this, this...this is no good. Stop shilling for YJ Stinger. No more. Enough.
Tajiri vs. Batista: I'm gonna steal a line from The Exorcist (The most kick-ass movie not named Jaws EVER)-'You know what she did? Your cunting daughter?' and modify it for my own ends: 'You know what he did? Your hulking strongman?' No surprises here. Batista squashed Tajiri. Nani? Yeah, it's true. I am more impressed by big men that can work a match and sell (see The Big Show for Selling and see Brock Lesnar for both) and a match with Tajiri would have been a good place for the once and former Leviathan to start. But, Vince and Co. love their big men, and Batista is in the middle of the early stages of a big push, it seems. To be fair, Batista is showing more charisma than ever. Anyway, he beat Tajiri down, he beat him up, and in the end he just plain beat him with a SPINEBUSTER (It's so kick-ass that simple lower-case won't work) and he then no-sold Tajiri into obscurity with another SPINEBUSTER, a SIT-OUT POWERBOMB, and choked the mist right on out of Tajiri. Good stuff...if you like squash matches. Also, this needs to be said-in capitals-BATISTA IS SWOLL. In any case, Tajiri: Gomen nasai. Shikata ga nai.
More Transformers (the Armada version) for PS2. No more. I want the old-school Dinobots. I want the Terrorcons. Don't remember them? Huh? What? The Terrorcons kicked buckets FULL of ass. They had SinnerTwin, Cutthroat, Blot, Rippersnapper(one of the coolest TF names-EVER) and their leader was a two-headed dragon named Hun-grr.
They also merged to form the most kick-ass gestalt TF not named Predaking: The mighty ABOMINUS. Armada can't give you that. I got something I can give to them, though...the FINGER. You can go STRAIGHT TO HELL for putting out TF:Armada on the PS2.
Stacy Kiebler comes out to shill for the WWE Divas South 'O' The Border DVD. You won't hear me dog Stacy-much- because she at least brings something to the table. Stacy can at least formulate a match; she can work a LITTLE (that's why you can put her in a gimmick match). Stacy is a little better than Torrie on the stick, but Stacy knocks Torrie out of the box in the looks department. Not that I think Stacy looks great, but she is clearly structurally superior to Torrie. They show various clips of the Divas in the DVD. Stacy. Trish. Lita. Jackie Gayda. Trish...again. Ivory. Dawn. Torrie. Nidia. Sable. Victoria. Lita...again(?). Trish...AGAIN (?!?) Where in the ding-dong, heck-of-a-doodle hell are Gail and Molly? What in the Sam Hill is going ON here? Ah....Ah,hahahahahahaHAAAAAA!!!! Here's the delightful duo of Gail Kim (now from Korea. ?!?) and the erstwhile Molly Holly, looking not unlike Holly Hunter with the particular wig she sports tonight. Anyway, Gail Kim spells it out for all the non-believers. It was GAIL who made the Women's Champ tap out last week...so why is STACY getting all the camera-time? Gail is flabbergasted. She is also hard of hearing, she thought that she MIGHT have heard Stacy say words to the effect of...'Stacy is the hottest Diva in the WWE'. Molly wants to be clear on this issue, too. So she puts it to Ms. Kiebler delicately, just the way you would expect someone that is a fan of Ellen Burstyn's work to. Did Molly hear Stacy say that she was hotter than Gail? Did Stacy infer that she was hotter than...than...Molly? Well, I'll be damned. Now, Ms. Holly asked a simple question, and when Stacy proved to be too blonde to give an intelligent answer, Molly did the only thing that she could. Where literate discourse fails, a sucker-punch to the gut will not. Stacy is washed up, she's done and Gail and Molly are about to put the hurt in megahertz on Stacy when Victoria makes the save, and ruins my fun. Plebian. I bet Victoria is a Liberation Theologist. Anyway,Jazz makes her ump-teenth return with a run-in on Vicky, and Jazz also gets upstaged for the ump-teenth time as Nidia also runs-in on the babyfaces' behalf. The face trio summarily evicts the heels from the ring, and backstage, Vicky and Nidia get to try and pump up Stacy for the upcoming six-woman tag match.
I enjoy marking out to Jazz while she beats up on Divas-most of whom very obviously would-if it were a fight on the streets-try their damndest to talk their way OUT of such a confrontation. Jazz rules.By the way, the heel trio of Molly, Jazz and Gail is reminiscent of my fictional heel trio of Molly, Jazz and Ivory (dubbed UnPopular Convention, or UPC for short). I also want to add that I thought Nidia Guenard was a most attractive woman...before she went under the knife with her nose-job and her boob-job.
Backstage Interview with Y2J-one of Jericho's most serious promos in some while.He's gonna show Christian a thing or two about phlebotomy tonight.
Orton Vs. Edge. WWE Intercontinental Title Match. A really good match, a really good one. Some people on the Internet don't care for Randy Orton. I LOVE RANDY ORTON. If this run continues like it has, he will go down as the greatest I-C champion since The Rock was simply known as Rocky 'The Rock' Maivia. Randy Orton rules a significant section of Earth, and if you don't think so you are wrong. You probably enjoy movies like 'Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows', you probably paid too much for your muffler, you probably have a scatological fetish AND on top of all that, you celebrate Black Mass. In your Scooby-Doo underoos. Wearing tube socks and an ascot. Proudly. Edge spent a good portion of the match working Ortons' back (really cool bow-and-arrow ringpost spot)
and Orton rolled Edge up for the uno, dos, tres after Edge caught Flair with a spear that was initially aimed at Randy. Randy also gave you ladies out there a little somethin' extra as he exposed Edges' cheeks and...his...thong (eeeeyyuuuuuieeeeee) during the course of the roll-up.
(*Blair Witch 2, by the way, was good for ONE thing...the thick Goth Chick, Kim Director. But you are still wrong if you deny Randy Orton his JUST due)
INSTALLMENT 3 of 'HEY, YOUR INTRO-THEME SUCKS'
Edge. No more. Why do you come out to that lame electronica-inspired flotsam week after week, year after year? It was lame in the Brood days, it was lamer still in the E & C days-because you guys claimed to be hipsters, and with that music, that claim is easily and totally debatable) and it is at its LAMEST now. Listen to me, Adam Copeland. Just sit stock-still and listen to these words. 'It's Gonna Kill Me' by Filter. 'Sad but True'. Metallica. 'The Patient' from Tool. Hell, anything from Tool. Come out to 'Die Eier Von Satan' from Tool, and you'll prove yourself the best ever. But that's not gonna happen, is it Edge? I hate your music, and deep down, you hate it, too. You're just gonna hold onto it to spite me. Hopefully, though he'll never come out to his old Rob Zombie-inspired intro-theme ever again.
(*Note: Anybody who even thinks about coming out to 'Tipp City' from The Amps will get season tickets to Mollyhollyland and buckets of love from me. Anyone. I don't care who it is...are you listening, Jackie Gayda? Dawn? Ivory? )
Promo with William Regal and Bisch. Bisch has already fulfilled his promise to his sister by letting Eugene wrestle a match and realize his dream...now, Bisch is just as sick of all of this as some of you guys out there and simply wants it to end. If Eugene loses, he'll be so despondent that he will quit, and William Regal can be made an active participant again. Regal is all for this and he'll make sure the best man wins, and I know all this because he said so.
Six-Woman Tag-Team Match: Victoria, Nidia and Stacy Kiebler vs. Molly Holly, Gail Kim and Jazz. It should be noted that Jazz looked like she was READY to show Vicky, Nidia and Stacy what a good proctologist she is. Damn, she looked like she wanted to put her foot in someone's ass! It should also be noted that Gail Kim failed to take any of my helpful advice regarding the upgrade of her lame intro theme and by rights, this SHOULD take us to installment 4 of 'Hey, your Entrance Theme Sucks', but damnit, Molly was out there, and Molly makes anything look and sound good, and Molly is just about the only thing these days that can put me in a positive mood. But I'll just sneak in 'What I Always Wanted' from Kittie as a suggestion.In any case, Gail picked up another submission victory over Victoria, who tapped out QUICKLY to a half-crab. Gails' push continues, the heels and Victoria were really on their game in this match, and Nidia gave a really stiff-looking dropkick to Mollys' back. Molly sold it like she had been shot out of a cannon. She did spend a lot of time postmatch holding her back. Molly apparently suffers from periodic muscle spasms in her back. By the way, it should not be overlooked by anybody that on the babyface team, Victoria had to carry Nidia and Stacy...as neither woman ever tagged in. Gail also slapped that headscissors/armbar on Victoria again (I guess they are calling this move 'the Satellite Manuever'), and in a world without The Vertebreaker (Sugar Shane Helms), Gails' kickass move steps into the spotlight as 'Kickass Move of the Month'.
The SmackDown Rebound. What's the big deal? JBL put his hand on Mama Guerrero and she had a heart attack? If you know anything at all about JBL, you know that he is a faith-healer, he was trying to give divine aid to the Guerrero family. If you listen closely, you can even hear JBL say, 'BE HEALED.' Is it just me, or did the lighting for that angle make it look like it was filmed during an eclipse? What is that thing Eddie does with his face when he gets mad? It's chilling.It looks like he has a VTOL aircraft stuck in his mouth. It frightens me, my family, and all those who think like me. As for JBL's recent rants concerning internet writers, whatever.
Backstage: Christian, Trish and Tyson Tomko=promo directed at Chris Jericho. Christian is still really high on his Problem Solver, which is a misnomer...seeing as how his Problem Solver has yet to solve any of Christians' problems. Anyway, Trish-who has come a LONG way as a performer and as a heel-sees fit to suck Lita into her whole 'angelic' routine, and then pulls the rug RIGHT out from under the former Miss Congeniality by screaming as though Kane, The Pestilence That Walks Like A Man, were right behind her. Lita turns and screams. This is a good place to make this point: Jamie Lee Curtis and Neve Campbell are so...yesterday. Lita is it, she is now...and more importantly than all of that, Lita is the New Scream Queen!!! Anyway, there is no Kane, and Trish was laughing up a storm...until Lita tried to give her a free tonsilectomy. Matt pulls Lita off, Tyson Tomko maddogs, Christian bitches and complains and Trish calls Lita a bitch. Good stuff, good stuff all around.
Matt Hardy (with Lita) vs. Val Venis...NOT!!! Kane has laid Val Venis out in the back, so there will be no match. Instead, Kane demands an answer from Lita-the RIGHT answer- regarding his question to her last week. Kane wants to get his Ron Jeremy on, and show Lita how Kane puts the freak in freaknasty. Lita has really filled out-nicely-and she has done something-at last-with her hair. Now I'm a mark for Amy Dumas. Huh. This little angle has become one of the high points of my wrestling week. Again...can anybody ELSE smell a Lita heel turn coming? Can you see Jeff Hardy coming? I think Lita should simply appeal to the Mother-Spirit in Kane to quell his perverted rages. I swear, one day women will take over...and there will be no more wars. Until then, Kane will simply continue to turn everyones' smile upside-down with his hijinks and off-color comments as concerns his amorous intentions toward Lita. Kane is the kind of guy they warn neighborhoods about...the kind of guy your momma warned you about. Yep. Kane's THAT type of guy.
I bet Kane thought I forgot. I have not, nor will I ever-no, not until Kane realizes that I am 100% correct when I say 'HEY, YOUR INTRO-THEME SUCKS' (Installment no. 4). Kane. Please. I was taking my daily 6.5 mile walk when it dawned on me that...'hey, if Kane were to come out to say...'Cantspeak' (Danzig), that would totally rule over Kane coming out to ANYTHING by Finger Eleven. This is not just my opinion. I e-mailed the Pope AND Danielle Fishel (Topanga from Boy Meets World) AND Gary Vitti (longtime Los Angeles Lakers trainer) and they all agreed with me that Cantspeak should be your new choice of intro-theme. The Pope even went so far as to say that my original musings over Pantera's 'Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills' being a kickass intro-theme were right on the money and that if Kane were a smart man, he would make that change IMMEDIATELY. Yep. That's what Danielle Fishel, Gary Vitti and The Pope said.
Eugene 'Doink Version 2.0' Dinsmore over Rob Conway. I'm not going to discuss this right now. I'm giving the WWE a chance to entertain me. I'm giving them until the first Raw of next month to make me a mark for this angle. I dare the WWE to entertain me with this angle.
What's better than a Chris Benoit promo? Linda Cardellini? Well, that's ONE thing, but here's another: a Chris Benoit video angle!!! Lots of footage from the early days of his career, and I don't know what's worse: his terrible, terrible hair...OR the fact that I was a mark for him in those days and I DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS HAIR in those days? ?!? Man, what is MY deal? Anyway, it was a nice, nostalgic touch seeing some of that old WCW footage.
|
|