This Time...It's Personal!!!
(*The official theme song of this weeks' edition of Mollyopoly is 'When It Comes' by Incubus)
Part 1: The Rundown (Heat, SmackDown and Raw)
Sunday Night Heat (4/25/2004 Calgary) Al Snow did the color commentary and Todd Grisham did the play-by-play...and they both did a pretty good job of it.
SNH was a good news/bad news scenario: Lance Storm worked a match...but it may have been his last match. Lance apparently is dissatisfied with the non-role he has played in the WWE in general, and Raw in particular. At least of late, in any case. However, the WWE has never known what to do with Mr. Storm, so he has decided that he's going to hang it up. Good for him. He is really focused on being an agent in the near future-but the WWE will most likely ease him into that role by first having him train workers down in OVW. Anyway, his matchup with Steven Richards was okay...and Lance came out to a huge pop in his native Canada (Calgary...Alberta, Canada, to be more specific) and it was DEAFENING!!! The crowd popped for everything the former Thrillseeker did, and if this was indeed his last match, then EVERYONE should get to go out with the kind of POP he generated. He eventually finished off Stevie with the single-leg crab after Stevie tried working Storms' arm for the whole match.
Other matches on SNH included Grandmaster Sexay going one...on one...WITH...Wavell Star? Wavell Star??? What's up with these names lately? First Tyson Tomko, and now Wavell Star? Anyway, GMS defeated Star with The Hip-Hop Drop, and it should be pointed out that my man Wavell is a ham-what, with selling GMS' offense as though he was getting hit by nuclear bombs. And then, the way he sold the enziguri? And Wavell even had the tassels on his boots, that nut. Wavell Star looks a little bit like what would happen if Steven Segal and Tatanka were to ever have a baby.
Rob Conway (With Sylvain Grenier, Sylvan Grenier ...make up your minds, already, WWE!) took on Rosey (With The Hurricane). Now, with m'sieu Grenier serving as the resident tirailleur in this match, you could expect some outside interference in this match. And there was tres outside interference. Could Rosey impress his mentor, 'Cane with a superhero-quality performance? Non. Non,non,non. Petit chance.Rob Conway won this match after Sylvain-with all the sang froid one would expect from someone with his level of savoir-faire-struck Rosey over the back with the flagpole. The raison d'etat? Because they're French!!! Mon dieux, man!!! All the French walk around hitting people with flagpoles when they're not looking. Sacre!!!
I am willing to bet that Rob Conway is one of several WWE Superstars who currently hate their gimmick and/or role. Pis aller! This match was the WORST.
Now, while all this was going on, the WWE saw fit to allow John Cena, the resident Doctor of Thugonomics, to cut another 50-plus second promo extolling the virtues of YJ Stinger. Now, a fact of some importance regarding myself is my intense phobia of all things insect-this also includes all forms in the order Hymenoptera (wasps) and the yellowjacket (genus Vespula) on the can. I'm just terrified of them. But praise to Mr. Cena. His shillfest has convinced me to investigate what 'the blaze of enraged raspberry' could entail for me.
In the main-event (this is SNH. I think 'main-event' as pertaining to SNH is an oxymoron in general and just a plain moron in particular), Shelton Benjamin defeated Rhyno. This apparently is what Bischoff was referring to when he stated on Draft Night (certainly not the draft the NFL draft was...but I digress) that he has had his eye on Rhyno for some time. But, the rub was a diss, because its tough to get over while pulling jobs on SNH. Anyway, I love Rhyno and Shelton as much as the next guy, and they had a pretty decent match. Shelton needs a finisher, however. He beat Rhyno with an inverted DDT-after evading The Gore, no less-but that's not the finisher for him. I also wish Shelton would go back to the singles... he was rockin' the amateur look.
Now, prior to the main-event, The Dr. of Thugonomics shilled for YJ Stinger again. I'm sold. I'm hooked. I'm a slave to the corporate advertising machine. Phobias be damned, I NEED my YJ Stinger, and I need it NOW...if for no other reason than to sample that 'lemon-lime blitz' or even the 'sinful citrus'. WOW.
SmackDowns' ratings improved a wee bit, and here's why: It was all Eddie Guerrero and Rene Dupree. Don't believe me? You're wrong. Eddie rules and is doing the best job possible while carrying a semi-lost cause like SmackDown. He is supremely talented, and the fans love him. The only way Eddie could be more over with me is if he were to ever come out and refer to John 'Bradshaw' Layfield as, oh, I don't know,say, el pendejo caliente? Now, THAT would rule!!! Rene Dupree rules. I didn't know what to think of the Cafe du Rene vignettes at first, but just hearing m'sieu Dupree say the words 'Cafe du Rene' over and over...oh,oui! More Cafe du Rene, s'il vous plait!!! Don't like Cafe du Rene? Then allez-vous-en!!! And allez-vous-en to that poullette, Torrie Wilson. It's bad enough that she can't work. She can't even act.
Disagree? Well then, I disagree with you. AND you're wrong.
Anyway, the pur-sang Rene cut a typical heel promo denouncing Torrie for laughing at The Big Show last week and denounced Torrie for her western womanly character-or lack thereof. Torrie failed to convince-again. Rene compares her to his bitch, Fifi. Torrie slaps him. I'm STILL not convinced. Rene tosses his wine on her, and then prepares to make some good, old-fashioned, homemade riz au lait out of the bleached blonde covergirl when John Cena ruins the party for everyone else and saves Torrie, destroys the carefully constructed set for Cafe du Rene that sans doute took months to formulate and execute. Sacre!!!
These are the two main reasons why SD is watchable these days. Rene entertains on the mic...in the way that the movie 'Flesh-Eating Mothers' entertains. It's good, cheesy schlock.
As for what could get SD more over as a product, I give you the Dudleys. Another year. Another heel turn. They change like the seasons, those Dudleys. Well, I'll tell you what:SD needs a heel. Now. The boys of Dudley were and are my favorite tag team ever. For a while there, in ECW, these two guys were the top heels in the business-HHH was just the guy you heard about all the time. Let these guys cut a heel promo. They can't cut any of the VENEMOUS and RIOT-INDUCING promos they used to cut in ECW, but let them do something. Let Paul Heyman book SD...the show is all but unwatchable without him. Do something oh, I don't know, cool? with Booker T. and RVD. C'mon!!! I will drop SD in a heartbeat if the Book has to go out there and get squashed by the Undertaker every week. You got your main-event feud wrong, WWE. It's not Eddie vs. JBL. It should be Eddie vs. The Book.
Rico and Charlie Haas...WWE Tag Team Champions. Well, its got to beat doing nothing. And at least the WWE is doing something decent with Rico. I don't know...even with Jackie Gayda out there (in a WWE with no Molly and no Ivory, she's the next best thing) this...this...this is no good. Maybe I'm a homophobe,but that's just too much implied rump-wranglin' for me. I don't want to see any implied fudge-packin' on MY T.V. screen. Nyet.The Stinkface...yuck! I would rather watch The Mantaur eat a McRib sandwich than ever sit through the Stinkface ever again.And Rikishi should be ashamed of himself. I don't care if the Stinkface is over.Does he know what he looks like, doing THAT move? Blecccchhh! I just wonder if SD crowds know that when they pop for that move, they also endorse...salad-tossing?
That's it for SD. SD gives me a headache these days, when it's not Eddie or Rene I'm talking about. That's all. Want to know more? Ain't no more to tell.
WWE Monday Night Raw from Topeka, Kansas (4/26/2004):
The coolest thing about this Raw is that it started off with a women's tag-team match featuring Molly(and her partner, Gail Kim and their opponents Victoria and Lita). This will make it much easier for me to edit my video collection of Molly matches (why does EVERYTHING sound so gosh-darn cute when you make it the potential suffix of Molly? Mollyopoly. Mollyology. Mollyfied. Mollytown. Mollyficent. The list could go on forever. Anyhow, there wasn't anything special about this match. I mean, if you happen to be a mark for Gail Kim, she was wearing some leather daisy-dukes. If you happen to be a mark for Victoria, her cheeks were right there, for the taking. If you happen to be a mark for Lita, her lovehandles were on full display. And Molly? Well, if you read this column, then you've heard me talk about Molly. But other than this wished-for carnal knowledge, there wasn't nothing to get you excited about in THIS match. Good job, WWE for dropping the ball with the nice little Molly angle last week. So basically, we are back at, oh, about the beginning of Title reign #2 for Molly...last year...with her bullying Gail around, except this time, she's got no title, no hair, and new faces to deal with. New players, whole new ball game. Anyway, Vicky pulls Molly’s' wig off-again. Hey, Victoria-catch a clue-that jive don't work no more. Molly put foot to ass, and dispatched Vicky from the ring. While all this is going on, Lita beats Gail with her 'style-points' DDT and everybody’s' happy...until Molly decides to show Lita the Bronx. And show her the Bronx she did, putting Lita away with a backbreaker that Lita couldn't sell.
(*Note: What was up with the kid at ringside during Vickys' entrance? Maybe he just doesn't like girls...or maybe HE'S the biggest Molly Holly mark out there. Not wanting to kiss Victoria, indeed! Also, there was a cool reversal of Victoria's reversal of Gail's spinning head-scissors, as Gail turned it into a reverse armbar. Of course, Lawler was too busy talking about 'puppies' and J.R. was too busy talking about Molly’s' wig to get the heel combo properly over. Sigh..!)
Unfortunately, Kane showed up and turned everybody’s' smile upside-down by storming the ring, cornering Lita and...and...now, I don't care what Lawler and J.R. said. It didn't look like Kane was going to kiss Lita. It looked like he was going to eat...her FACE((?!?)Eeeeyuuggghhhh. Lita gets away, escapes into the arms of Matt Hardy, and awwwww!
Everything's gonna be all right, now! Awwwwww!!! Doesn't this just make you feel GOOD?
Awwwwwww! Then the smiles get turned upside-down AGAIN as Kane (damn, he's fast!!!)
puts the wurst in bratwurst and gives V-1 the worst beating he's had since The Two Man Power Trip killed Lita and The Hardys a couple of years ago.
Jonathan Coachman. Promo. Tajiri. Ratings? You think so? Yes? You're Wrong.
Jonathan Coachman. Promo. Tajiri. Promo. In ENGLISH. Ratings? Mmmmmaybe.
Tajiri. HHH. HHH squash of Tajiri. HHH promo. Tajiri sprays HHH with the green mist. HHH. Plant. Promo? HHH. Bischoff. 1 on 1 match...with Tajiri. Entertainment? RATINGS?
La Resistance gets upstaged again...this time by Rhyno, as he gores Rob Conway to effect the 'French Sympathizers' defeat, and by 'Youuuu-Gene' who caused the defeat by setting off the pyro. Boy, La Resistance is HOT. They demand a match-one on one, Rob Conway vs. Eugene. Regal tries to talk sense here, but Johnny Nitro's not havin' it. In two weeks, ready or not...Rob Conway vs. Eugene. For the 5,6 and maybe even 7 fans out there who actually want to see this...well, I hope they get their moneys' worth.Way to book Rob Conway and Nick Dinsmore, WWE! Way to go!!!
(*A side note;Jim Ross should be ashamed of himself for his reaction to the pyro. Don't believe me? Watch the footage again. He looks like somebody's grandma on Coupon Day).
Chris Benoit and Edge tried to cut a promo. Well, here it is...hell has frozen over-Chris Benoit is now better than somebody on the mic!!! GASP!!! Yeah, that's right. The Crippler is a WHOLE lot better than Edge on the mic, as Edge has gone from HHH-Lite to just plain-old Edge...from The Brood days. You remember The Brood, right? Bloodbaths, Gangrel, lame entrance theme? Well, Edge remembers The Brood, too. He remembers the fact that The Brood cut THE MOST HORRIBLE PROMO EVER the first-and only-time they got to speak as a stable. He remembers those days fondly, in fact, and has decided to relive them for a while. It took the charisma and oratorical skill of HBK to save these two from themselves. When is HBK going to turn heel? Gee, I don't know...
Christian and Trish are philanthropists. Rough-sex loving philanthropists, but philanthropists just the same. They've opened up their own day-care service to bogged down former and current WWE Superstars. Why, on Raw tonight, The CLB and the FDDBTH have seen fit to drape their loving arms around the offspring (!) of Bull Buchanan and Batista...lil' Tyson Tomko. Don't believe me? You're wrong. Tyson Tomko looks just like what would happen if Batista and the once and former B-2 were to EVER have a baby. Anyway, Christians' entrance theme ROCKS, he got the girl and his Problem Solver and I know this because he cut a promo and told me so. And then, Grandmaster Sexays' entrance cues up and a short, unmemorable match between the two ensues(I wonder if Jay Reso wakes up every now and then and thanks the WWE for sending two of the guys he had some of his best matches with-Booker T. and RVD-to SD). Christian picks up the victory, with GMS taking The UnPrettier and selling it like he likes it. And then, Y2J's Titantron and entrance cue up, and he attacks the heel stable from behind, and Tyson Tomko then repaid all of Trishs' philanthropic works on his behalf by saving her from the Walls...of Jericho.
Ah, yes...Tajiri...vs. that gaijin HHH!!! HHH is still selling his blindness (just use the water you take to the ring with you to wash it out, man. C'mon!!!), and despite the ill-words and ill-will I usually reserve for The Game, I have to give the devil his due...this was a really good match. HHH sold the hell out of Tajiri's offense (which consisted of a LOT of STIFF kicks); he sold Tajiri's handspring back elbow better than a lot of cruiserweights do, and really sold it like The Japanese Buzzsaw had him on the proverbial ropes as Samurai Revenge slashes...burns...RAVAGES...the screen! In the end, HHH caught Tajiri with the Pedigree (which Tajiri sold like a champ), and order was restored. Wonder if the WWE is going to do anything with this?
(*Note: Lawler and J.R. need to know by now that the move is, in fact, The Octopus...and not the 'very unique submission move' as J.R. called it. The move has a NAME. Boy, where's the team of Al and Coach when you need them?)
Next match: Matt Hardy, Version 1, the one, true Sensei of Mattitude vs. The Giant Bald Nazi himself, Kane. Matt sells the previous assault by Kane. He's beaten down, he's washed up...but he's gonna defend Lita's honor...TO THE DEATH!!! And 'death' is the operative word here, because Kane ran up in V-1 like Bruce Jenner and Chokeslammed the HELL out of Matt. Chokeslam #1:No cover. Chokeslam #2:No cover. Chokeslam #3? No it's the Tombstone Piledriver!!! I guess the face turn was a diss, because Matt is still getting squashed. It took Lita to save Matts' ass from Kane and his Tombstone, as she took Kanes' unwelcome, horrid advances with Matts' well-being in mind;indeed, her love for V-1 was what allowed her to stand firm against the citadel of power, the repository of evil that Kane represents as his little orisons crept up her spine and his fatal kisses bloomed with sweet, sweet poison upon her lips. The stench of ash and apricots surely fell upon the ring that day...that terrible, terrible day. It was LOVE that made Lita look deep into the heart of madness.
Anybody ELSE smell a Lita heel turn coming?
(*Note:Finger Eleven gets the finger. 'Slow Chemical'-Kanes' entrance theme-is lame. He should really be coming out to 'Good Friends and a Bottle of Pills' by Pantera.)
Lawler is out there to shill for the 2004 WWE Divas Swimsuit Issue. I haven't had a chance to flip through it yet, but I bet that there's hardly enough Ivory and Molly in it to suit my tastes, so I guess that that's ONE MORE WWE product I won't be buying. Stacy Keibler makes her way to the ring...oh...oh,on those long, beeee-yooo-tiful, luscious LEGS!!! OHHHH!!!
BIG (and) DEAL.
So she can WALK. So what?
Anyway, Lawler announces that the legendary Harley Race is in attendance and...what..? What's that? Did somebody say, 'LEGEND?' Yep, it's about that time, again. It's ORTON time, as in 'The Living Legend' Randy Orton, who proceeds to get cheap heat by cutting a heel promo on said legend, and then spitting in said legends' face. Shelton came down to correct Randy Orton and show him what he's done. Big clothesline from 'the rookie(?!?)'-kudos to Shelton for the quality of the move, and kudos to Randy for the sell. Randy sells a Shelton Benjamin right hand like he got hit by a nuclear bomb and one mushroom cloud later, we've got A FEUD, PEOPLE!!!
Backstage: Batista. Promo. Ratings? Non.
Ric Flair. Promo. 'WHOOOOO!!!'. Ratings? Hai!!!
Main-Event: WWE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: The match was much better than last weeks' bout featuring the same combatants. And it had the exact same result: Edge and Benoit win...again!!! The post-match was predictable, but still entertaining: HHH storms the ring, HBK comes in for the save,tries to hit HHH with a steel chair, but hits Benoit instead-of course. Edge gets up in HBK'S face to offer his dissent regarding this particular turn of events, but The Showstopper charms Edge out of his boots and Edge forgets and forgives Michaels' laying out his tag team partner (?!?). And who WOULDN'T be charmed by HBK? EVERY day is Saturday when The Boy Toy is around, right? Well, Benoit didn't think so. He showed Shawn the Bronx and locked him down in the Sharpshooter, and Shawn sold like a champ. Overselling? I don't think so. I don't think you CAN oversell any finisher...
...awww,I take that back. Look at how some people sell The Worm.
And that's Raw, in a nutshell.
THE PORTION OF THE COLUMN WHERE I SHAMELESSLY PUT MOLLY OVER
Molly is the greatest female athlete in WWE history. No, check that...in all the history of sports-entertainment. Ohhh, ah, no...no...she's even bigger than that, indeed-she stands alone as the greatest woman in all of wrestling history. You disagree? You're wrong. You think somebody out there is better? HAH. You think somebody out there looks better than her? Courtney Cox-Arquette, perhaps? Janet Jackson? Shakira? Shania Twain? I would be almost impressed by any argument anybody could make for these women-or any woman for that matter-being structurally superior to The Mollyholly, but remember...I said ALMOST impressed. People who are wrong simply do not impress me, and you are completely and totally wrong if you disagree with me. You don't love your mother or your country if you disagree with me on this issue. This issue is bigger than you or me, because the fact remains that The Mollyholly enchants and bedevils like no other.
Why does the WWE refuse to see this? Why? Well, I can only guess that Vince McMahon isn't the genius that 99.9 percent of his roster THINKS he is. Really...it looks as though the WWE has NO CLUE as to what to do with Molly... because Molly isn't a silicon-enhanced blonde like so many other WWE divas. Even if you cut out the blondeness, most of the Divas are still silicon-enhanced. Ah, yah...it's a crime and a tragedy how the WWE dropped the ball on last Raws' angle of Molly snapping on Victoria and putting foot to ass. It seems like such an EASY thing to book, Molly is versatile. I think only Ivory and Trish (in that order) are better on the mic, nobody is better than Molly in the ring, and her look? Look... Molly's HOT. End of discussion. What's the problem, WWE? If I didn't know better, I would swear that Nora Greenwald suffers from a terminal case of Chris Jericho Syndrome (CJS), where no matter how good you are, you can count on never getting pushed TOO hard.
Well, Mollyopoly stands alone as a safe, warm haven where Nora Greenwald can get all the push she needs. From now on, Molly will defend the WWE I'm Better Than You Title against all comers. Week after week of non-stop action and thrills and hijinks as Molly challenges other grapplers from ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE in resolute tribute of the celebration of competition that the WWE I'm Better Than You Title represents. The WWE I'm Better Than You Title is a prestigious title and honor that was simply...bestowed on Molly by yours truly for her outstanding-yet underutilized-presence in the ring.
And this week, Molly defends the title against...Nidia. The outcome? Molly Wins. Cleanly.A Northern Lights Suplex gained the 3-count. Nidia was heartbroken...losing the WWE IBTY Title always hurts. But Nidia realized the caliber of the athlete she lost to, and praised the efforts and steel-willed determination of Molly Holly and her incredible efforts to bring an age of peace and prosperity to the WWE never before seen. Even Vince McMahon came down and apologized to Molly for all the aborted pushes, WMXX and the whole 'fatass' thing. Vince proclaimed every Wednesday from this point on to be Mollyhollyday and proclaimed the WWE I'm Better Than You Title to be a thing of such transcendent joy and beauty-all this achieved by the able Molly and her mighty hand-that none but her should ever even have the privilege of looking upon it.
Anyway, Nidia vs. Molly Holly. 1 on 1. One fall. WWE I'm Better Than You Championship Match. Molly by pinfall. Time: 4:53(Why did it take Molly 4:53 to dispatch Nidia? Because Molly enjoys competition...she DEMANDS competition...and she DESERVES competition). Referee: Earl Hebner.
Oh yeah...I almost forgot...
...Catherine Bell(from JAG)...
You look good. You look a'ight.
But compared to Molly..?
HAH HAH!!! HAH,HAH,HAH!!!
You ain't got NOTHIN' on Molly Holly.