Exclusives | Columns | Arlando | Issue #2
Do NOT pass go!

Well, it looks like the rumors of a return of sorts of one of the two big federations the WWE conquered in 2001 will actually come to pass. However, it doesn't look its going to be ECW (the smaller of the two, and the hottest rumor at the time), but WCW instead. With that,the WWE has announced that not one, but two pay-per-view events will take place in June-WWE Badd Blood( the Raw PPV);and the return of an old NWA/WCW staple on June 27...The Great American Bash. If WCW DOES return, it may bear some watching to see if it can flourish under the WWE umbrella. I, for one, don't think that it will, simply because the WWE doesn't have a history at all of doing such things. But hey-precedents are always capable of being defied.

So, the inclusion of yet another PPV event may threaten to further water-down the WWE PPV and television product-simply based on the fact that PPV is such a huge source of income to the WWE machine AND the fact that PPV's dictate almost every aspect of what you see on T.V. Case in point: WWE Monday Night Raw, 4-12-04 from Chicago, Illinois.

Other than the presence of La Resistance, Eugene and William Regal throughout the show, NOTHING that didn't have something to do with the upcoming Backlash PPV was aired. This is a good way to hype up your PPV event-indeed, a great way, what with Mick Foleys' genius promos; Shawn Michaels;the ongoing soap opera with Chris,Christian and Trish; the return of Edge and his upcoming feud with Kane;Benoit and Triple H and the elevation(?) of Shelton Benjamin. You should be able to REALLY book a killer PPV if all the participants dominate ALL of the 2 hours and 5 minutes of airtime allotted to Raw.

This is not such a good thing for everyone else on Raw, and you know who I'm talking about.It does no good for Bischoff to (as he did on the WWE Draft) to openly declare how mush he covets Rhyno if Rhno is not going to A). be involved in anything or B). even work at all. I'm talking about the Women's Champion, Victoria. Now, I heard she got some kind of food poisoning or whatever, so okay. Perhaps THAT'S why she hasn't been on T.V. in a while...except to plug the WWE South of the Border thing. This, of course, brings us to Molly Holly and her complete lack of airtime on Raw. Of course, to be fair, this would also entail a complete dissertation on EVERY woman in the WWE that HASN'T posed for Playboy OR that ISN'T named Trish Stratus.What about A-Train? Garrison Cade? Gail Kim? Steven Richards? Val Venis??? Rhyno???

In any case, Raw was entertaining-but mostly when Mick Foley, Y2J, Christian and Trish were on the screen. Raw in recap featured Shelton Benjamin defying the authority of Bischoff, beating up on Ric Flair and proving that he is a super-smooth soul brotha with all the right moves who refuses to take any jive from The Man. I have been waiting some while for the synapses of WWE writers to fire up and make them realize that no babyface-and I don't care how straight-laced they may be-is going to stand idly by and do nothing more than cut a promo when he had the crap kicked out of him just the week before. Most people would endeavour to put a little foot to ass. Kinda like Shelton.

Actually, Raw was chock-full of promos, with Benoit, HBK and HHH all getting their licks in, Foley cutting another smooth promo-which Randy Orton sold as if the Devil Himself had just come to take his soul. Y2J cut the kind of promo that should be illegal for him to cut. The mic is as deadly as a gun when it's in Jericho's hand, and he should be forced to register it as a deadly weapon. The Rock, Foley and Y2J have the ability to KICK YOUR ASS with the promos that THEY cut. That only they can cut. There was a lot of Eugene and Regal backstage as well, and La Resistance-who are in dire need of somebody who is actually good on the microphone to try and get this flagging gimmick over.

Also, I can't be the only one who noticed that in style, tone and manner-even down to his facial expressions-Edge seemed to morph into a Triple-H simulacrum.

Oh, and 'good going' to all the responsible parties for taking Edge out of the BIG program he as GOING to have with HHH, and putting Edge in the program with Kane. I like Kane, I like Edge, I don't care much for HHH. This is one of the reasons why. The feud won't do nearly as much good for Kane, coming off the WMXX nonsense with 'Taker; the ongoing reticence of 'Taker to be a team player; and the fact that,obviously, this feud is designed to put EDGE over. I think at best, all it could do for Kane is help him tread water after the silliness regarding his match with 'Taker at WMXX. HHH, in the meanwhile, will get to main-event-again-and continue to make a joke of backstage politics. Thanks, HHH!!!

Raw is in need of a lot of things. Snow and The Coach should be the announcing team...they definitely fit the whole 'Spike TV, first network for men' image better than the current team. The writing needs to improve, or the ratings will continue to plummet. I find it noteworthy that the WWE continues to employ all their old draws-still-at the ultimate expense of newer, untested talent. Raw needs more Jericho, for starters. More wrestling, and fewer promos and backstage angles. And if you aren't going to do it on Raw, than you should be able to do it on Heat...but alas, no. Nada. Nyet. Nothing. Three matches in an hour? Huh? What??? C'mon!!!

It was good seeing Steven Richards on Heat (maybe they will ally Stevie Night Heat and Molly;Coach and Snow certainly advertised the fact that Steven has been a 'different' man without his 'flower') and Val Venis' 'tea-bagging' reference was hilarious-as was Coachman's reaction to it. However, I don't much care for his recent feud with Tajiri. I expected that anything resembling The Japanese Buzzsaws' ECW success would naver happen in the WWE, but this..? This...this is no good.

Which brings us to the portion of the column where I put Molly over. I stated last week that I was going to keep references to Mollys' physical attributes to a minimum, and I plan to abide by that. It's too damn easy to talk about how good she looks. So here goes. Cameron Diaz, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Britney Spears and Beyonce cannot compete with The Nora's curvaceous, pulchritudinous, fertile female form. Neither, for that matter, can Alyssa Milano-not with all those damn tattoos!!! The Nora looks better than all but Halle Berry and Sofia Vergara. There. I said it. Disagree? You're wrong.

The WWE wasted it's dividend by not leting Molly cut a promo after WMXX. Just something simple to try and keep the feud hot, that couldn't have been asking too much, could it? Huh? Apparently, it was WAY too much for the WWE to consider, and the poor woman's not even on TV. She's got no hair, and she isn't on TV. It's frustrating for me, because this should be a bookers' dream, it should be easy to write for her now, but alas...alack. It is not to be.

Of course, it could be worse...she could be Ivory or Jacqueline Moore-the WWE is about to release them. Why? Who knows. Jacqueline is a good worker-indeed one of the best female grapplers in the company, and Ivory..?Ivory may BE the best female wrestler in the WWE and is certainly the most charismatic woman on the roster BY FAR. Don't release Ivory, for God's sake..! Move Al and Coach to Raw, and let Ivory be the color commentator on Heat! She did an ACES job of doing JUST THAT at WM2000! So she's over 40. Big deal!!! C'mon!!!

(By the by, when I make references to Molly cutting a promo, you can check out my submissions in 'fan fiction' to see EXACTLY what I mean).

I'm not upset at all, though. Molly is still getting paid-and paid well-to do something she loves to do. If nothing else, if her neck is still ailing her, the downtime should do her some good.

That's my piece, all said and done... for this week. Hopefully, Molly will turn up on Raw or Heat next week. Since I forgot to do it last week, if anyone wants to respond to anything I've written here or will write in the future, feel free to contact me at... theinimitableh@yahoo.com, and I will respond...in kind!

So, until next week, stop playing your X-box and PS2 games, stop risking carpal-tunnel syndrome playing all those PC games, and stop risking your life with all that 'extreme' entertainment, like bungee-jumping, and skydiving. Play a nice little game of Mollyopoly instead. It's good, clean,wholesome family fun for the whole family!